Ice Age: Let the nut go. R18 SNLV

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

2010-07-11T14:34:00.004+02:00

THE ONE NIGHT STAND

2010-07-11T14:26:00.009+02:00

How Weird

2009-12-11T12:13:00.000+02:00

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backward says "race car."
That "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate."
And, have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out "Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?

2009-10-20T12:31:00.001+02:00

Children Writing About The Sea........You can't buy this stuff. BRILLIANT ! Pure Gold

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.

( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.

(Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.

(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.

(Julie age 7).

How do these people survive

2009-10-20T12:29:00.000+02:00

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew It! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Germans

2009-10-20T12:27:00.000+02:00

A German guy approaches a prostitute."I vish to buy sex viz you.""OK," says the girl, "I charge â, 200 an hour.""..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.""No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller."I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees."Now you vill get on your hans und knees."She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs."You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totallyamazing! What do you call that position?""Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze... Audi.""Audi?" Asks the astonished sex worker."Audi," replies the customer. "Four-sprung Duck Technique."

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, But some abuse the privilege

2009-10-20T12:26:00.000+02:00

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and spots a Jamaican man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

He points at his eye meaning “I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The Jamaican man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!"

The Jamaican guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

2009-10-20T12:25:00.000+02:00

Afrika Digkuns

Dit was 'n diep stil donker nag.
Ver poep 'n Boesman sag.
Met dowwe geplof, val 'n drol in die stof.
Geduldig, gedwee, hoor ek 'n geskree.'
n Boesman het sy hol...
.met 'n kaktus afgevee!

A Polite Way to Pee

2009-10-20T12:23:00.000+02:00

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners asked herstudents.Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, howwould you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at thedinner table."Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once and show us yourgood manners?"Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shakehands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet afterdinner."The teacher fainted........

Ma, hoe spel mens boks

2009-09-29T13:08:00.000+02:00

DIE SEUNTJIE VAN SO STANDERD 1 GAAN NA SY MA,SEUN:

MA HOE SPEL 'n MENS 'BOKS'

MA: NEE MY KIND, DIE WOORD BOKS BESTAAN NIE EINTLIK NIE, DIE KORREKTE WOORDIS DOOSSEUN:

OK, DANKIE MADIE VOLGENDE DAG KOM DIE SEUN MET DIK GEHUILDE Oë VAN DIE SKOOL AF.MA : WAT HET GEBEUR MY KIND?SEUN: ONS MOES VIR VANDAG SE AFRIKAANSE KLAS 'N OPSTEL SKRYF OOR SPORT ENEK HET NET MET DIE NAAM VAN MY OPSTEL BEGIN TOE MENEER DIT SIEN, TOE GRYP,HY MY KANTOOR TOE EN GEE MY 'N MOERSE PAK SLAE.

MA : WAT WAS JOU OPSTEL SE NAAM MY KIND?

SEUN : "EK HOU MEER VAN DOOS AS VAN RUGBY"

The understanding

2009-09-23T14:13:00.000+02:00

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory..

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.

2009-09-23T14:07:00.001+02:00

A little boy catches his parents shagging. "What are you doing?" he asks.

Mom says, "we're trying to make you a little brother or sister."
The boy says, "dad, turn mom over and do her doggie style: I want a puppy."

2009-09-23T14:06:00.001+02:00

A Rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana and hands it

over to the cashier...shocked, the cashier asks.."Whats this for?"...the

Rastman replies..."Me here to open a joint account"....

2009-09-03T17:45:00.000+02:00

Hoe legendes begin
In Engeland - Once upon a time...
In Amerika - Long, long ago...
In Suid Afrika - Onthou jy daai aand toe ons so gesuip was..

Koos
Koos en Mike sit in die kroeg. Dit is alombekend dat Koos die beste bedeeld is op die dorp.
Mike: Koos, ek hoor jy het die grootste meneer op die dorp.
Koos: Mike, jy moet nie alles glo wat jou vrou jou vertel nie.

Mans
Gee 'n man 'n vis, en hy het iets om te eet vir die dag. Leer 'n man om vis te vang, en hy sit heeldag in 'n boot en suip.

Wat noem jy 'n vrou wat 24 uur per dag weet waar haar man is?
'n Weduwee.

Aartappel

2009-09-03T17:44:00.000+02:00

Juffrou vra vir die klas: "kinders, watter groente laat 'n mens se oë traan?"

Jannie agter in die klas antwoord: "'n aartappel juffrou"

Juffrou: "Nee Jannie dit is n ui"

Jannie baie verontwaardig: "Juffrou was heel duidelik nog nooit met 'n aartappel in die eiers gegooi nie!!!"

2009-09-03T17:42:00.000+02:00

Eight year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question:

"How did I get here?"
His mother told him, "God sent you."
"And my cousin Matt ?"
"He sent him also" said the mother .
"Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
" So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200
years? No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."

2009-09-03T17:41:00.001+02:00

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell Happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over And over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your Ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

2009-09-03T17:40:00.000+02:00

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

Question : What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

RETIREMENT BONUS

2009-09-03T17:38:00.000+02:00

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam "

2009-09-03T17:35:00.001+02:00

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you!

Digte Mis

2009-09-03T17:34:00.001+02:00

Koos ry in digte mis in Despatch en kan nie goed sien nie. Hy besluit om
die motor voor hom se agterliggies te volg.

Skielik stop die motor en Koos ry DOEF! in hom vas.

Koos vlieg uit sy kar en skree op die ander bestuurder: "Hoekom stop jy
so fokken skielik??"

"Omdat," brul die man, "ek in my fokken garage is!"

Good Ones

2009-09-03T17:31:00.001+02:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman..'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caught!!

2009-09-03T17:17:00.000+02:00

Sharp Indian Aunty

2009-09-03T17:02:00.000+02:00

A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word 'Diwali'."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'."

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas.

TRUTH HURTS

2009-09-03T17:00:00.001+02:00

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber (condom) at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up and walk.

When girls don't put out!!

2009-07-07T09:32:00.000+02:00

This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennisI think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is allDear, let's go to the cashier.'I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her

Skinny Dipping

2009-07-07T09:30:00.000+02:00

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast

Seconds before death

2009-06-18T08:31:00.000+02:00

Aartappel

2009-06-15T12:52:00.000+02:00

Juffrou vra vir die klas: "kinders, watter groente laat 'n mens se oë traan?

" Jannie agter in die klas antwoord: "'n aartappel juffrou"

Juffrou: "Nee Jannie dit is n ui"

Jannie baie verontwaardig: "Juffrou was heel duidelik nog nooit met 'n aartappel in die eiers gegooi nie!!!"

Mishap on a Trans-Atlantic flight

2009-06-15T12:49:00.000+02:00

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, soWe should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and â€¦ HOLY CRAP !

'Silence followed
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While
I was talking
To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in
My lap. You should see the front of my pants!

'One Irish passenger yelled,
'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'

A short story

2009-06-15T12:48:00.000+02:00

The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll
blow your house down".
The little pig said "f_ck off or I'll
sneeze on you".

The one that didn't get away

2009-06-15T12:47:00.002+02:00

Hope this gives you a good chuckle

2009-06-15T12:45:00.001+02:00

WOMAN'S DIARY
9 May 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 9 May
Sharks lost the rugby.
Gutted.
Got a pomp though.

Thought for the Day

2009-06-15T12:44:00.002+02:00

Eight year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question:

2009-06-15T12:43:00.001+02:00

"How did I get here?" His mother told him, "God sent you.""And my cousin Matt ?""He sent him also" said the mother ."Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny."Yes, dear," the mother replied. "Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny."Yes, dear," the mother replied."What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted."He sent them also" the mother said. "Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked."Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently." So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."

Tarzan and Jane

2009-06-15T12:41:00.001+02:00

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Wife's Night Out

2009-06-15T12:36:00.005+02:00

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking anddancing...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play onthe Internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh, knowing she'sgoing to have a monster hangover...

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo,which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece...

You circle the car looking for dents and find none...

But wait a minute......

The why's of men

2009-06-15T12:33:00.001+02:00

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

------- ---------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
----------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

----------------------------------------------

No Speaka De English

2009-06-15T12:31:00.001+02:00

A bus stopped and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the one man."Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi '."

I bet R100 you're gonna read this again!

Daffy Duck

2009-06-15T12:29:00.000+02:00

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for condoms.
The receptionist says, “shall I put them on your bill?”

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thupid; I’d thufficate!!!!

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

2009-06-09T12:29:00.001+02:00

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

A short swine flu story

2009-05-25T14:48:00.001+02:00

The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”.
The little pig said “f*ck off or I’ll sneeze on you”.

The End.

2009-05-25T14:45:00.000+02:00

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

A BUG's LIFE................................

2009-05-20T12:37:00.002+02:00

What a morning in JHB

2009-05-20T12:30:00.001+02:00

Fishing Trips.......... Can't wait too go again

2009-05-20T12:24:00.002+02:00

2009-05-19T13:04:00.001+02:00

fire destroyed a block of flats

2009-05-19T13:03:00.001+02:00

In Mayfair, Johannesburg a fire destroyed a block of flats.

A Nigerian family of six con-artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Somalian welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six local ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.Hearing this on national news, Julius Melema and Zwelinzima Vavi were furious.
They flew into Joburg, teamed-up with Jacob Zuma and quickly demanded a meeting with the Fire Chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.The Fire Chief replied, "The whites were at work."

IRONY AT IT'S BEST

2009-05-19T13:02:00.001+02:00

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

Work-Life Balance

2009-05-19T12:53:00.000+02:00

In 1923,

Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 85 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot
himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

F*** work.

Play golf.

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

2009-05-13T12:48:00.002+02:00

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date> that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date> experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about> an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started.. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of> the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around
the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she
looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got
the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first
time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your
first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole> new meaning to being p!ssed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.

SWINE FLU WARNING

2009-05-13T12:46:00.000+02:00

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of Swine Flu during the next few months of the flu season.
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
Sore throat
Slight headache
Moderate to high temperature
Nausea or upset stomach
An uncontrollable urge to have s*x in the mud

Little Child's Prayer...

2009-05-13T12:45:00.000+02:00

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,Amen."

Mishap on a Trans-Atlantic flight

2009-05-08T13:49:00.001+02:00

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, theCaptain announced:'

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, soWe should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and â€¦ HOLY CRAP !'

Silence followedSome moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talkingTo you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee inMy lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled,'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'

"AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED"

2009-05-08T13:44:00.000+02:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a& nbsp; nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- ---------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my w ife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....

the Toolkit for HER

2009-05-02T22:05:00.001+02:00

Single or Married

2009-04-24T14:37:00.001+02:00

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive
him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

Riddles

2009-04-24T14:32:00.002+02:00

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The strength of the grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!

2009-04-24T14:29:00.001+02:00

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,'
where:

:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-)
:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned!

What Religion is Your Bra?

2009-04-24T14:28:00.000+02:00

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple..

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

2009-04-24T14:27:00.001+02:00

A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers
like to use). The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could
do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the
tree in their own countries?

After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you' re away from home...

Top Voicemails

2009-04-24T14:25:00.000+02:00

(a)
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

(b).
Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(c).
Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

(d).
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(e).
(Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...cums.

Bank Crisis!

2009-04-24T14:24:00.001+02:00

If the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end ofthis year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank andthe Sperm Bank!When these two banks merge it would be run by 'bloody wankers'

Survivor

2009-04-24T14:23:00.001+02:00

SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...But there you are, another lie,I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive!Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! Send this to all of the cool chicks you know, and all the dude's who can handle this new remix...

The Essex girl.

2009-04-24T14:21:00.001+02:00

'How many children have you got?' asks the council worker? '10' replies the Essex girl. '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?' 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.' 'Doesn't that get confusing?' 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker. 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies, 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: ' Sharon .' Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?' Sharon : 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f***ing hundreds of them!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Shirley: 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Shirley: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

Sperm Count

2009-04-24T14:20:00.001+02:00

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical examination

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and

gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

I KNOW WHAT YOU WHERE THINKING???
SHAME ON YOU THINKING I WOULD SEND YOU A DIRTY EMAIL...!

Ralph and Edna...

2009-04-24T14:19:00.000+02:00

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... I’ve Done my part!!!

EXCUSE THE FRENCH......

2009-04-24T14:14:00.001+02:00

DIE SPOOK DROL:
Jy voel hom uitkom, maar wanneer jy kyk, is daar niks in die toilet nie.

DIE SKOON DROL:
Jy voel hom uitkom, jy sien hom in die toilet, maar daar is niks op die papier nie.DIE NAT

DROL:
Die tipe waar jy jou gat 50 keer afvee, maar dit voel nog steeds vuil , dan moet jy toiletpapier in jou onderbroek sit sodat jy nie briekmerke los nie.

DIE SECOND-WAVE DROL:
Dit gebeur wanneer jy klaar is met die taak, jou broek tot by jou kniee optrek en dan agterkom dat daar nog een oppad is.

DIE BARS-'N-AAR-IN-JOU-KOP DROL:
Die tipe waar jy so hard druk om die bliksem uit te kry dat jy letterlik 'n hartaanval kry.

DIE BOOMSTOMP DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so groot is, dat jy te bang is om hom weg te spoel sonder om hom eers in kleiner stukkies op te breek.

DIE FREE-FLOW-EXHAUST DROL:
Die tipe wat so hard raas wanneer hy uitkom, dat die kakhuisdeur eintlik rattle.

DIE MORNING-AFTER DROL:
Die tipe drol wat die oggend na 'n heavy party uitkom. Sy bekendste kenmerk is die briekmerke wat hy onder in die toilet los.

DIE MIELIE DROL:
Die tipe drol waarin die mielies wat jy geeet het soos rosyntjies in 'n muffin sit.

DIE EK-WENS-EK-KON DROL:
Die tipe waar jy gedink het jy moet, maar al wat uitkom is 'n paar poepe.

DIE RUGBREEK DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so seermaak wanneer hy uitkom, dat jy dink hy het jou sideways verlaat.

DIE MICHAEL-SCHUMACHER DROL:
Die tipe wat so vinnig uitkom, dat hy jou hele hol nat spat.

DIE HANG DROL:
Hierdie drol weier om te val, al is jy klaar. Jy hoop maar net dat 'n paar skutte hom sal laat afbreek.

DIE GEDOG DROL:
Jy't gedog jy gaan poep, toe kak jy in jou broek.

Testicle Therapy

2009-04-24T14:10:00.000+02:00

Two women were playing golf.. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Grumpy in the Vatican

2009-04-18T21:49:00.002+02:00

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!

Fencepost turtle

2009-04-18T21:45:00.001+02:00

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of the ANC. "Well, ya know," drawled the farmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle." The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

The Bus Ride...go the blondes

2009-04-18T21:37:00.000+02:00

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

The Reason I Don't Surf!

2008-12-11T08:26:00.002+02:00

Spread the stupidity

2008-12-11T08:23:00.000+02:00

Why .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Why? Good question.

The understanding

2008-12-11T08:18:00.001+02:00

. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory..

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Who wears the pants?

2008-12-11T08:16:00.001+02:00

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your f**king attitude changes!"

Underwear Dust

2008-11-25T07:22:00.000+02:00

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

2008-11-25T07:20:00.000+02:00

Hoe legendes begin
In Engeland - Once upon a time...
In Amerika - Long, long ago...
In Suid Afrika - Onthou jy daai aand toe ons so gesuip was..

Koos

Koos en Mike sit in die kroeg. Dit is alombekend dat Koos die beste bedeeld is op die dorp. Mike: Koos, ek hoor jy het die grootste meneer op die dorp. Koos: Mike, jy moet nie alles glo wat jou vrou jou vertel nie.

Mans Gee 'n man 'n vis, en hy het iets om te eet vir die dag. Leer 'n man om vis te vang, en hy sit heeldag in 'n boot en suip.
Wat noem jy 'n vrou wat 24 uur per dag weet waar haar man is? 'n Weduwee.

Sharp Indian Aunty

2008-11-25T07:18:00.001+02:00

A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word 'Diwali'."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'."

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas.

Time for those Christmas jokes......

2008-11-17T11:50:00.002+02:00

New SA magazine

2008-11-14T14:46:00.000+02:00

"Quote 4 the day"....

2008-11-12T16:41:00.001+02:00

Having someone dump you and say

"We can still be friends"

Is like having your mom say

"Your dog died but you can still keep it"

2008-10-24T15:59:00.000+02:00

Number 5.

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

*******************************************************

Number 4.

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a
gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

*******************************************************

Number 3.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

*******************************************************

Number 2.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

*******************************************************

Number 1.

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

2008-10-24T15:57:00.000+02:00

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

2008-10-24T15:56:00.001+02:00

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, ifthey have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureenbring up the subject of sex."Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the wayyou do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partnersfor the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martiango off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead withhis palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows untilit's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entiremeasurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and gotheir separate ways.As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.How about you?""It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead andpulling my ears."

2008-10-24T15:26:00.002+02:00

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss.

I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly.

"But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!

" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

2008-10-24T15:24:00.000+02:00

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.

"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

How To:

2008-10-23T12:56:00.003+02:00

This will certainly pass the time!!

.HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM

ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END:
It works so I'm sending it on!

click =here

Months ago

2008-10-23T12:13:00.000+02:00

More about the Currie Cup

2008-10-23T10:41:00.003+02:00

Dr Ruth

2008-10-23T10:31:00.001+02:00

Dear Dr. Ruth,

I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng. I was recently diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni (spanner-valley), is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother who is also my sister, were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part-time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her . Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BULLS supporter?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

2008-10-23T10:13:00.000+02:00

Bulls Vs Sharks

2008-10-21T08:49:00.002+02:00

Currie Cup

2008-10-20T16:43:00.001+02:00

Loving husbands

2008-10-16T08:15:00.002+02:00

Some economic jokes

2008-10-15T08:43:00.002+02:00

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

"I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank"

Q: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
A: Quarter pounder with fries please

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply

Q: Entries from a new financial dictionary:
Broker: What my stock adviser has made me Standard & poor: Your life in a nutshell Cash flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

All in bad taste

2008-10-14T14:35:00.002+02:00

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'

why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king big red mark on her forehead.

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky...
Mine's still alive...'

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

Women Are Evil...

2008-10-10T17:54:00.001+02:00

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?

A Quickie in the Bushes

2008-10-10T17:50:00.000+02:00

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

OM TE POEP – DEUR AG VISSER

2008-10-10T17:48:00.000+02:00

O, gonna ek hoop dis die einde van die kerk
Ek kan nie meer sit nie my maag wil werk
Die dominee praat lank en die son sit laag
Die vreeslikste pyne kruip rond in my maag

Eers word ek warm, en dan weer koud
Nog nooit in my lewe was ek al so benoud
Dominee, Dominee praat tog klaar
My rug trek krom die gort is gaar

Dit knal en dit kraak en my derms kreun
Toe los ek 'n poep wat die gallery laat dreun
Die mense kyk om en ek bloos my bloedrooi
Die skaamste van almal was Sannie, my nooi.

Die dominee bly stil sy oe omgedop
Die vrou agter my se hoed sit skeef op haar kop
Kort agter die hakke van die stereo klank
Volg die gemeente se reaksie op die vreeslike stank

Party begin te hoes, en ander te proes
Ander weer waai met sakdoeke woes
My oe traan, my kop die sak
Toe kom die vrees dat ek in my broek sal kak

Sowaar as wragtig net die volgende keer
Is dit toe presies wat moes gebeur
Ek dag dis 'n poep want die drukking is kwaai
Te laat besef ek dis 'n ander lawaai

Geskok na die gerommel soos 'n donderstorm
Kom ek agter die poep het 'n knopperige vorm
Die dominee bly stil en gluur my aan
'n ouderling begin woedend sy weg na my baan

My broek is nat en die pype staan wyd
so het ek my laas as kind beskyt
My maag is so seer, my bene die knak
Ek het so wragtig in my broek gekak

Die ding wat my sedertdien nog altyd verstom
Is hoe het ek die Sondag by die huis gekom

Een ding het ek van kerkgang geleer
As jou maag wil werk , sit naby die deur
En as jou derms begin draai en jou poephol blom
Sorg dat jy vinnig by die kakhuis kom.