Wednesday, September 26, 2007
What day is it?
Scrat got himself shit drunk again last night………………………
Fuck I am at work………..mmmmmmm mmmmm
How the fuck did I get here.
Last night started off at a new pool club that opened just down the road. Scrat had to meet a very close and good friend there…. Needless to say there was not much of scenery there. We where the only two fucking people there…
We decided to go to the Keg a bit further down the road and we got stuck there… A couple of people greeted the scrat on his name. In the back of my mind I was thinking.
Who the fuck is and how do they know my name.
We got back to good conversation and lots of Tequila…. And a nightmare occurred…… they called last round.
Last option was to go to Froggies. Stop there and there was a couple of cars, but the security gate was closed. Some guy opened the door and shouted across the parking area. “It is the scrat” That was only the fucking fourth person for the night Scrat did not know from a bar of soap.
Bumped into an old golf friend of mine. First question he asked. “What happened between the sexy blond golf couch and the Scrat 3 years ago?” The Scat had no answer. So he took the Scrat’s mobile tree number and said that she was looking for my number since I have changed it 2 years ago.
Yippeeeeee free putting lessons
Fuck I am at work………..mmmmmmm mmmmm
How the fuck did I get here.
Last night started off at a new pool club that opened just down the road. Scrat had to meet a very close and good friend there…. Needless to say there was not much of scenery there. We where the only two fucking people there…
We decided to go to the Keg a bit further down the road and we got stuck there… A couple of people greeted the scrat on his name. In the back of my mind I was thinking.
Who the fuck is and how do they know my name.
We got back to good conversation and lots of Tequila…. And a nightmare occurred…… they called last round.
Last option was to go to Froggies. Stop there and there was a couple of cars, but the security gate was closed. Some guy opened the door and shouted across the parking area. “It is the scrat” That was only the fucking fourth person for the night Scrat did not know from a bar of soap.
Bumped into an old golf friend of mine. First question he asked. “What happened between the sexy blond golf couch and the Scrat 3 years ago?” The Scat had no answer. So he took the Scrat’s mobile tree number and said that she was looking for my number since I have changed it 2 years ago.
Yippeeeeee free putting lessons
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sore Balls
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Friday, September 14, 2007
Meraai & Gatiep
Meraai vang Gatiep met 'n los vrou in die bed.Sy gooi hom van die vierde verdieping af en skree:"Jou blêrrie insek! As jy kan steek dan kan jy vlieg ook!"
****
Meraai aan Gatiep na seks: "Jong jy het ook maar 'n ou klein kitaartjie!"Gatiep: "Ja maar ek het nou ook nie geweet ek moet vanaand in die City Hall perform nie!"
****
Meraai loop straataf met ´n matras op haar kop.Gatiep: Wa gat djy met djou furniture?Meraai: Hierie is g´n furniture nie. Dis my workshop!
****
Regter: Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 persone jou sien steel het?Gatiep: Djou Honour, ek kan thousands mense bring wat my nie gesien steel het nie.
****
Meraai aan Gatiep na seks: "Jong jy het ook maar 'n ou klein kitaartjie!"Gatiep: "Ja maar ek het nou ook nie geweet ek moet vanaand in die City Hall perform nie!"
****
Meraai loop straataf met ´n matras op haar kop.Gatiep: Wa gat djy met djou furniture?Meraai: Hierie is g´n furniture nie. Dis my workshop!
****
Regter: Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 persone jou sien steel het?Gatiep: Djou Honour, ek kan thousands mense bring wat my nie gesien steel het nie.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
How to handle a husband
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town
"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town
"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Vermoed
Juffrou aan klas: "Maak 'n sin met Vermoed." Jannie haak af en sê:"Juffrou, gister gedurende pouse is ek in die skoolsaal en sien MnrGouws agter die gordyne uitkom, hy trek toe sy onderbroek en broek op.'n Rukkie later toe kom juf Swart ook agter die gordyne uit, trek haarpanty op en maak haar rok reg. Juffrou, ek VERMOED hulle het agter dieklavier gekak."
Monday, September 10, 2007
Marc Lottering's one Liners..
1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have
nothing
to
play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During s * x, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging
naked.
I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because you came home early
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on &
a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off.
I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster &
a radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She
told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said
to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was
born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of
my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?"
He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up &
I
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with
me?"
He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in
the electric chair.
nothing
to
play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During s * x, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging
naked.
I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said
"Because you came home early
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on &
a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off.
I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster &
a radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She
told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said
to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was
born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of
my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?"
He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how
big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up &
I
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with
me?"
He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in
the electric chair.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Affirmative Shopping
Thanks platneus....for screwing up my whole night last night. Why don't they use the fucking door and office hours.... but no just after 7pm I got the call....
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Maths 101- Priceless
First you need location: The Keg
You need Money: R1350-00
Need a friend: Sid
Barlady tip: R150-00
Shooters: R75-00
Smokes: R60-00
Beers:(x88) R1015-00
food: R 0-00
Petrol: R50-00
And for anything else there is always the day after tomorrow
Yea right doos
some little cunt gave Sid shit last night
So Scrat hit him out if his shoes
Aunty Rotter if he lands in Germany... jump on the prick
So Scrat hit him out if his shoes
Aunty Rotter if he lands in Germany... jump on the prick
Monday, September 3, 2007
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