Nigerian Earthquake

An earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria early this morning.


Two million Nigerians have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.


Canada is sending troopers to help the army control the riots.


Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies.


The European community (except France) is sending food and money.


The South African government, not to be outdone, is sending two million Nigerians to replace the dead ones.


God Bless Africa!!!! I love this country!!!!!!!!!!

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say F*#k you, and she says: F*#k you too"

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A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??". Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare sleep with your mother."

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"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"

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YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

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A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table". The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"

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Question: "what do a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden have in common?"

"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"

PLATNEUS on FIRE

Scrat's Adam & Eve

Adam and Eve are trapping around the Garden of Eden kaalgat.

Eve Checks this lekker apple and she skiems nooit hey, I'm gonna graze
it.

Just Then a moerse voice from above tunes her. "Leave the apple, or I
will send an unimaginable plague upon the earth."

She kaks herself half stukkend and loses the apple.

A bit later Adam is trapping along when he gooi's a sharp right and finds this apple. "Bliksem" he skiems. Ah'm gonna chow this thing.

Just then a moerse voice from above chirps... "Leave the apple, or I
will Send an unimaginable plague upon the Earth."

Ag nooit hey" he rekons. "I'm stukkend hungry" and he grazes it.

That night he and Eve are in bed, when he hears a knock at the door.
He Pluks open the front door to hear.......................................

Eish , sorry baas, Em looking for a job..."

And so the plague began...........................
by: Scrat

Harassment

A man walks up to a female colleague in his office each day.Making a point of standing very close to her, he draws a deep breaththrough his nose, pauses, smiles, and tells her how wonderful her hair smells.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.The woman marches into her supervisor's office, tells him about thehair thing", and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled, and struggles to understand what the problem is.

He asks her, "What's sexually threatening about a man telling you that
your hair smells nice?"The woman screams, "He's a F***** DWARF!"

It Sucks to Get Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examinationThe doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

Can't blame the doctor for fainting

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation that ensued.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the sizeof an AAA battery..

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and thenfell laughing to the floor.. Ten minutes later he was able to struggleto his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know whatcame over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise itwon't happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"

The doctor fainted!

FARMER

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'
'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating!'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!

Problem

This is actually an on-the-ceiling poster in the smoking room at an IT firm in Mumbai, India.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Prohibition Sign

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...


I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?

Petrol Humour

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in anintellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizermagnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious coupleproduced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, BullSchitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a highschool dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schittdivorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then knownas Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughoutchildhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dualceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

P.S. Bull and Pisa Schitt have given birth to a little bruiser son, Tuff.