The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”.
The little pig said “f*ck off or I’ll sneeze on you”.
The End.
Monday, May 25, 2009
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
fire destroyed a block of flats
In Mayfair, Johannesburg a fire destroyed a block of flats.
A Nigerian family of six con-artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Somalian welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six local ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.Hearing this on national news, Julius Melema and Zwelinzima Vavi were furious.
They flew into Joburg, teamed-up with Jacob Zuma and quickly demanded a meeting with the Fire Chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.The Fire Chief replied, "The whites were at work."
A Nigerian family of six con-artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Somalian welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six local ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.Hearing this on national news, Julius Melema and Zwelinzima Vavi were furious.
They flew into Joburg, teamed-up with Jacob Zuma and quickly demanded a meeting with the Fire Chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.The Fire Chief replied, "The whites were at work."
IRONY AT IT'S BEST
90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
Work-Life Balance
In 1923,
Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 85 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot
himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
F*** work.
Play golf.
Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 85 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot
himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
F*** work.
Play golf.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date> that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date> experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about> an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started.. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of> the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around
the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she
looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got
the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first
time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your
first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole> new meaning to being p!ssed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date> that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date> experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about> an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started.. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of> the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around
the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she
looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got
the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was
only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first
time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your
first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole> new meaning to being p!ssed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
SWINE FLU WARNING
Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of Swine Flu during the next few months of the flu season.
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
Sore throat
Slight headache
Moderate to high temperature
Nausea or upset stomach
An uncontrollable urge to have s*x in the mud
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.
Sore throat
Slight headache
Moderate to high temperature
Nausea or upset stomach
An uncontrollable urge to have s*x in the mud
Little Child's Prayer...
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,Amen."
Friday, May 8, 2009
Mishap on a Trans-Atlantic flight
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, theCaptain announced:'
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, soWe should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and รข€¦ HOLY CRAP !'
Silence followedSome moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talkingTo you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee inMy lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled,'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, soWe should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and รข€¦ HOLY CRAP !'
Silence followedSome moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talkingTo you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee inMy lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled,'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'
"AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED"
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a& nbsp; nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- ---------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my w ife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a& nbsp; nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- ---------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- ---------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my w ife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
Saturday, May 2, 2009
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