With apologies to our Irish friends!

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake,you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her.'

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.''

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing ** *stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'