Number 5.

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

*******************************************************

Number 4.

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a
gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

*******************************************************

Number 3.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

*******************************************************

Number 2.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

*******************************************************

Number 1.

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, ifthey have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureenbring up the subject of sex."Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the wayyou do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partnersfor the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martiango off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead withhis palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows untilit's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entiremeasurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and gotheir separate ways.As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.How about you?""It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead andpulling my ears."

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss.

I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly.

"But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!

" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.

"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.

So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.

At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

How To:

This will certainly pass the time!! .HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END: It works so I'm sending it on! click =here

Months ago

More about the Currie Cup

Dr Ruth

Dear Dr. Ruth,

I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng. I was recently diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni (spanner-valley), is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother who is also my sister, were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part-time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her . Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BULLS supporter?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Bulls Vs Sharks

Currie Cup

Loving husbands

Some economic jokes

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

"I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank"

Q: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
A: Quarter pounder with fries please

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply

Q: Entries from a new financial dictionary:
Broker: What my stock adviser has made me Standard & poor: Your life in a nutshell Cash flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

All in bad taste

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.



A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'




why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day




Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.




A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'




My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king big red mark on her forehead.




I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.




Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....




Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky...
Mine's still alive...'




A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'




2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

Women Are Evil...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

OM TE POEP – DEUR AG VISSER

O, gonna ek hoop dis die einde van die kerk
Ek kan nie meer sit nie my maag wil werk
Die dominee praat lank en die son sit laag
Die vreeslikste pyne kruip rond in my maag

Eers word ek warm, en dan weer koud
Nog nooit in my lewe was ek al so benoud
Dominee, Dominee praat tog klaar
My rug trek krom die gort is gaar

Dit knal en dit kraak en my derms kreun
Toe los ek 'n poep wat die gallery laat dreun
Die mense kyk om en ek bloos my bloedrooi
Die skaamste van almal was Sannie, my nooi.

Die dominee bly stil sy oe omgedop
Die vrou agter my se hoed sit skeef op haar kop
Kort agter die hakke van die stereo klank
Volg die gemeente se reaksie op die vreeslike stank

Party begin te hoes, en ander te proes
Ander weer waai met sakdoeke woes
My oe traan, my kop die sak
Toe kom die vrees dat ek in my broek sal kak

Sowaar as wragtig net die volgende keer
Is dit toe presies wat moes gebeur
Ek dag dis 'n poep want die drukking is kwaai
Te laat besef ek dis 'n ander lawaai

Geskok na die gerommel soos 'n donderstorm
Kom ek agter die poep het 'n knopperige vorm
Die dominee bly stil en gluur my aan
'n ouderling begin woedend sy weg na my baan

My broek is nat en die pype staan wyd
so het ek my laas as kind beskyt
My maag is so seer, my bene die knak
Ek het so wragtig in my broek gekak

Die ding wat my sedertdien nog altyd verstom
Is hoe het ek die Sondag by die huis gekom

Een ding het ek van kerkgang geleer
As jou maag wil werk , sit naby die deur
En as jou derms begin draai en jou poephol blom
Sorg dat jy vinnig by die kakhuis kom.

The Australians

Koos was walking on his farmland one day when he spots a guy drinking water from a rain-water pool...

He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak!"

The guy says, "I'm Australian mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

Body Statistics, F. Y. I.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's p.e.nis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Your skin is the largest organ of the body

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

'To the Previously Disadvantaged'(Platneus)

This was a reply to an article, in the Mercury (last week),
where the previously disadvantaged (Platneus) stated that it's not too late
for the previously advantaged (including whites, Indians and Coloureds)
to apologise for apartheid. Check out the reply. Just too hot and so true.


Did anyone read the paper last week (Mercury) where the main
headline stated the following?


It's not too late for whites to say sorry for
apartheid.............


Check the email that went around responding to the headline.
It's a kick ass response.!!!


'To the Previously Disadvantaged

We are sorry that our ancestors were intelligent, advanced and
daring enough to explore the wild oceans to discover new countries and
develop them.

We are sorry that those who came before us took you out of the
bush and taught you that there was more to life than beating drums,
killing each other and chasing animals with sticks and stones.

We are sorry that they planned, funded and developed roads,
towns,mines, factories, airports and harbours, all of which you now
claim to be your long deprived inheritance giving you every right to
change and rename these at your discretion.

We are sorry that our parents taught us the value of small but
strong families, to not breed like rabbits and end up as underfed,
diseased,illiterate shack dwellers living in poverty.


We are sorry that when the evil apartheid government provided
you with schools, you decided they'd look better without windows or in
piles of ashes.

We happily gave up those bad days of getting spanked in our all
white schools for doing something wrong and much prefer these days of
freedom where problems can be resolved with knives and guns.

We are sorry that it is hard to shake off the bitterness of the
past when you keep on raping, torturing and killing our friends and
family members, and then hide behind the fence of 'human rights' with
smiles on your faces.

We are sorry that we do not trust the government. We have no
reason to be so suspicious because none of these poor hard working
intellectuals have ever been involved in any form of corruption or 'irregularities'.

We are sorry that we do not trust the police force and, even
though they have openly admitted that they have lost the war against crime
and criminals, we should not be negative and just ignore their
corruption and carry on hoping for the best.

We are sorry that it is more important to you to have players of
colour in our national teams than winning games and promoting
patriotism. We know that sponsorship doesn't depend on a team's success.

We are sorry that our border posts have been flung open and now
left you competing for jobs against illegal immigrants from our beautiful
neighbouring countries. All of them countries that have grown
into economic powerhouses after kicking out the 'settlers'.

We are sorry that we don't believe in witchcraft, beetroot and
garlic cures, urinating on street corners, virginity testing,
slaughtering of bulls in our back yards, trading women for cattle and other
barbaric practices.

Maybe we just grew up differently.

We are sorry that your medical care, water supplies, roads,
railways and electricity supplies are going down the toilet because skilled
people who could have planned for and resolved these issues had to be
thrown away because they were of the wrong ethnic background and now
have to work in foreign countries where their skills are more needed.

We are so sorry that we'd like this country to fulfill its
potential so we can once again be proud South Africans.

The Previously Advantaged'

Ps. In the old regime...we had lights and water

Sid vs Scrat

Sa Rugby Couching Tecnique

Platneus or not????

Hotnot maybe

Platneus - Marco Polo

Male Compassion

Gina returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Pat that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her.

Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later Gina went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Pat agreed and again they made love.

Later Gina was getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. she touched Pat's shoulder and said, Honey?

Please? Just one more time before I die.' he agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.
Gina, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up.

Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Gina', I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Ma, hoe spel mens boks

DIE SEUNTJIE VAN SO STANDERD 1 GAAN NA SY MA

SEUN: MA HOE SPEL 'n MENS 'BOKS'

MA: NEE MY KIND, DIE WOORD BOKS BESTAAN NIE EINTLIK NIE, DIE KORREKTE WOORD IS DOOS

SEUN: OK, DANKIE MA

DIE VOLGENDE DAG KOM DIE SEUN MET DIK GEHUILDE Oë VAN DIE SKOOL AF.

MA : WAT HET GEBEUR MY KIND?

SEUN: ONS MOES VIR VANDAG SE AFRIKAANSE KLAS 'N OPSTEL SKRYF OOR SPORT EN EK HET NET MET DIE NAAM VAN MY OPSTEL BEGIN TOE MENEER DIT SIEN, MY GRYP,KANTOOR TOE NEEM EN MY 'N PAK SLAE GEE.

MA : WAT WAS JOU OPSTEL SE NAAM MY KIND?

SEUN : EK HOU MEER VAN DOOS AS VAN RUGBY

Quote

A girl bought her boyfriend a present for his birthday.

He opened it and said. 'What the hell would I want with a rocket?'

She said 'You wanted space...now f*ck off!'

Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him

Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

If you got a bad day