Platneus at Milatary training camp = trouble

In what is termed South Africa's worst military "accident", a platneus soldier got behind the controls of a 35mm anti-aircraft gun Swiss/German Oerlikon MK5 during a training exercise, pulled the trigger and a minute or two later, nine Azanians lay dead, with a further fifteen seriously wounded.

The computer-controlled, double-barrelled MK5 anti-aircraft gun, which fires 35 mm explosive shells at a rate of 15 shells per second can swivel 360 degrees horizontally and between 15 & 80 degrees vertically. According to Pikkie Greeff, SANDF Union spokesman (yes, Azanian soldiers belong to a trade union) the MK5 gun is a dangerous toy - he says it is not uncommon for inexperienced gunners to freeze in shock when they first fire the gun, astounded at the incredibly high rate of fire.

So one can just picture the scene at this training session gone wrong: Platneus Bubbles Mpondo and her spearchucking comrades gazing with bovine incomprehension at this deadly piece of White Man's Magic, nodding mechanically at the words of the white instructor as he drones on. Finally, Platneus Bubbles is ordered to give it a shot, so she laboriously removes the Piece of pink Chappies chewing gum she'd been masticating on for the past two days, and heaves her portly black ass onto the operator seat.

Squeezing the hair trigger of this formidable weapon is quite unlike squeezing the trigger of the Windolene squirt bottle Platneus Bubbles is so much more accustomed to, so the ferocity of what happens next, causes our bewildered sheboon to lapse into mortified petrification: like an unattended hose pipe at full blast, the gun is now firing wildly, spinning round and round while the barrels traverse up and down, spraying its deadly explosive shells into the HIV-positive carcasses of the assembled "soldiers" who didn't even have time to remove their index fingers from their flaring nostrils, let alone dive to cover. Out of the 27 assembled, only three got away.

Most incredibly, a wide-eyed platneus Bubbles is refusing to let go of the trigger, almost like a monkey with its hand in a monkey trap. (A monkey trap is a container filled with nuts and seeds, and an opening just big enough for a monkey to push its hand through. Once it's reached through and grabbed a fist-full, the monkey cannot remove its hand unless it lets go of the contents of its fist, and is thus trapped as it is too stupid and panic-stricken to release its fist). The carnage finally came to an end only when the gun ran out of ammo...

Azanian Army top brass muttered the usual banalities, promising high Level investigations into this embarrassing incident. They've not yet blamed it On right wing sabotage, but are clearly displeased at the consequences of this evil White racist-designed weapon. We would wager that the findings will centre around the fact that the gun was "bewitched" by evil spirits, and endless cleansing ceremonies will be held, involving the torture and slaughter of a few innocent cows so as to appease the ancestors...