Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
New bra
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a Professor of Sports Medicine at
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him
Friday, July 27, 2007
some afrikaans jokes
Wat is die toppunt van rassisme?
As die platneus weier om die Afrikanertjies nat te gooi.
As die platneus weier om die Afrikanertjies nat te gooi.
Non aan priester - ek bely ek dra nie panties nie.
Priester: jou sondes is vergewe, betaal R20 en doen 5 wawiele tot by
die altaar.
Seun en pa sit in bad. Seun: Wat is daai?
Pa: dis husse.
Seun kom in die kombuis vra:
Ma wat eet ons?
Ma: Husse.
Seun: sorry ek eet dit nie, dit groei te naby pa se poepol.
Kleinseun aan oupa op plaas: Wat doen daai bul oupa?
Oupa: Hy probeer oor die koei spring.
Seun: Bliksem oupa as sy tril nie vasgehaak het nie, was hy oor!
'n Man stuur per ongeluk die onderste helfte van sy naakte foto aan sy
ouma.
Sy ouma skryf terug: Verander jou haarstyl Boeta, dit laat jou neus baie
klein lyk!
Wimpy doesn't work for Platneus.
Last night while watchin tv I saw that Wimpy advert and I decided to try it with my cherie . After I said to her - "CAFE LATTE" she just ignored me.
After I said MACCIATTO she told me to shut up.
Just before I could finish saying CUPPACHINO, she slaps me with a p@#s klap.
I asked her "what did you do that for now" she replied "Do I look like a f#%ken foreigner - can't you use words like BLACK LABEL, HANSA, CASTLE or RED HEART!!!
After I said MACCIATTO she told me to shut up.
Just before I could finish saying CUPPACHINO, she slaps me with a p@#s klap.
I asked her "what did you do that for now" she replied "Do I look like a f#%ken foreigner - can't you use words like BLACK LABEL, HANSA, CASTLE or RED HEART!!!
Library
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian takes one look at him and says
"HEY WENA ,
who's gonna bring the book back?"
The librarian takes one look at him and says
"HEY WENA ,
who's gonna bring the book back?"
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Fake Marriage
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket!".
There was a stunned silence.
Then he farted.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
"WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket!".
There was a stunned silence.
Then he farted.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Trots Afrikaaaaaaans
Aan almal wat in verre, vreemde lande sit en smag na Afrikaans, en vir almal by die "huis" Geniet dit! die pennevrug van prof. Johan Combrinck, voormalige Voorsitter van die Taalkommissie van die S.A. Akademie vir Wetenskap en Kuns:
DIE UNIEKE AFRIKAANSE "FOK"
Een van die interessantste, kleurvolste woorde in Afrikaans, is die leenwoord fok en sy familie. Dis 'n towerwoord wat, bloot deur sy klank, vreugde of pyn, liefde of haat, ontdekking of frustrasie kan weergee.
Fok is een van die min woorde wat die funksie van byna alle woordsoorte kan vervul.
Dit word as oorganklike werkwoord gebruik (Fok die hele spul), en as onoorganklike werkwoord (Ag fok), as bevel (Fok dit!), in die bedrywende vorm (Dit het my gefok), sowel as die lydende vorm (Nou is jy heeltemal gefok), as die hoofelement in 'n hele reeks skeibare werkwoorde (aanfok,opfok, uitfok, toefok, voortfok, byfok, agteroorfok, agternafok), ens of as stam van 'n werkwoord (Nou het jy die hele ding befok).
As abstrakte selfstandige naamwoord (Ek gee nie 'n fok om nie), of as persoonsnaam (Het jy gesien wat die fokker probeer doen?), as nabepaling by 'n vraagwoord (Hoe de fok, wie de fok, hoekom de fok, wanneer de fok,ens.), as byvoeglike naamwoord (Waar moet ek die fokken tyd vandaankry?), as bywoord (Dis nou 'n fokken mooi grap), en as uitroep (O fok!).
Selfs ook as invoegsel (Onge-fokken-looflik). Dit kan ook in homself ingevoeg word (Nou is jy be-fokken-fok).
Hierdie Afrikaanse woord kan gebruik word om wyd uiteenlopende situasies te beskryf:
Verrassing: Hoe de fok gaan dit met jou?
Bedrog: Die motorhawe het my befok.
Ontsteltenis: Ag fokkit!
Moeilikheid: Nou is ek in my moer in gefok.
Aggressie: Fok jou!
Meer Aggressie: Ek gaan jou opfok!
Moedeloosheid: Hoe de fok moet ek dit regkry?
Walging: Fok my!
Plesier: Fok my nog!
Wanbegrip: Ek fokken verstaan nie.
Inkompetensie: Hy fok alles op.
Gesag: Wat de fok dink jy doen jy?
Verdwaal: Nou weet ek not 'n fok waar ek is nie.
Oortuiging: Onge-fokken-twyfeld.
Dit kan horlosietyd beskryf (Presies half-fokken-vyf), of omstandighede(Hoe het ek in hierdie fokken job beland?), of persone (Jan Fokken Smuts), of dinge (Kyk hoe lyk jou fokken skoene!), of plekke (Tot in fokken Durban ), of dit kan die siel van 'n uitnodiging wees wat van hartlikheid drup (Fok u!).
Fok is in Afrikaans onge-fokken-ewenaard!
DIE UNIEKE AFRIKAANSE "FOK"
Een van die interessantste, kleurvolste woorde in Afrikaans, is die leenwoord fok en sy familie. Dis 'n towerwoord wat, bloot deur sy klank, vreugde of pyn, liefde of haat, ontdekking of frustrasie kan weergee.
Fok is een van die min woorde wat die funksie van byna alle woordsoorte kan vervul.
Dit word as oorganklike werkwoord gebruik (Fok die hele spul), en as onoorganklike werkwoord (Ag fok), as bevel (Fok dit!), in die bedrywende vorm (Dit het my gefok), sowel as die lydende vorm (Nou is jy heeltemal gefok), as die hoofelement in 'n hele reeks skeibare werkwoorde (aanfok,opfok, uitfok, toefok, voortfok, byfok, agteroorfok, agternafok), ens of as stam van 'n werkwoord (Nou het jy die hele ding befok).
As abstrakte selfstandige naamwoord (Ek gee nie 'n fok om nie), of as persoonsnaam (Het jy gesien wat die fokker probeer doen?), as nabepaling by 'n vraagwoord (Hoe de fok, wie de fok, hoekom de fok, wanneer de fok,ens.), as byvoeglike naamwoord (Waar moet ek die fokken tyd vandaankry?), as bywoord (Dis nou 'n fokken mooi grap), en as uitroep (O fok!).
Selfs ook as invoegsel (Onge-fokken-looflik). Dit kan ook in homself ingevoeg word (Nou is jy be-fokken-fok).
Hierdie Afrikaanse woord kan gebruik word om wyd uiteenlopende situasies te beskryf:
Verrassing: Hoe de fok gaan dit met jou?
Bedrog: Die motorhawe het my befok.
Ontsteltenis: Ag fokkit!
Moeilikheid: Nou is ek in my moer in gefok.
Aggressie: Fok jou!
Meer Aggressie: Ek gaan jou opfok!
Moedeloosheid: Hoe de fok moet ek dit regkry?
Walging: Fok my!
Plesier: Fok my nog!
Wanbegrip: Ek fokken verstaan nie.
Inkompetensie: Hy fok alles op.
Gesag: Wat de fok dink jy doen jy?
Verdwaal: Nou weet ek not 'n fok waar ek is nie.
Oortuiging: Onge-fokken-twyfeld.
Dit kan horlosietyd beskryf (Presies half-fokken-vyf), of omstandighede(Hoe het ek in hierdie fokken job beland?), of persone (Jan Fokken Smuts), of dinge (Kyk hoe lyk jou fokken skoene!), of plekke (Tot in fokken Durban ), of dit kan die siel van 'n uitnodiging wees wat van hartlikheid drup (Fok u!).
Fok is in Afrikaans onge-fokken-ewenaard!
Our Aunty Rotter
|
|
| A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Rotter. Aunty Rotter was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Rotter when she's been drinking. |
Trick question
Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
Priceless
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!"
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... ; Priceless
Headaches ...
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Trouble maker
An Afrikaner guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are
sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Indian guy is bent over holding his face, which
is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: "That Indian guy must have tried to kiss that
girl and got slapped."
The Indian guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried
to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me
instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Indian guy must have moved to kiss
me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another
tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and moer that Indian guy
again!"
sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Indian guy is bent over holding his face, which
is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: "That Indian guy must have tried to kiss that
girl and got slapped."
The Indian guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried
to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me
instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Indian guy must have moved to kiss
me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another
tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and moer that Indian guy
again!"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Saturday's close shave
Saturday this squirrel got himself as drunk as an platneus with an credit card.It was a whole day of drinking and one tequila after another....But the real story happened when squirrel got home.... Now squirrel's habitat is in an very secure townhouse estate.. So when I arrived the main gates was closed already and there was no security guards to be found any ware... Scrat had to clime out of the car and open the gates to drive in, but there was yet another problem. there was an paint delivery outside blocking me on my way in . So I had to move it. After I drove my car inside the estate
I had to close the gate again...And for interest sake had an look by the security's guard house.
And guess what... Platneus was sleeping....
So Squirrel stole both his shoes and threw them across the road. on my way to my car I just could not leave it there...I am always in trouble with this fucking platneus guards... The paint delivery was just at the right place at the right time... I opened an can of white PVA and painted the sleeping platneus's face and feet white..
Luckily this time he can't prove that it is me yet..
Monday on the change of guards I will return the Tv , his cellphone, the heater, visitors register and the two way hand radio to the guard house
I am still pissing myself...Now that was fucking funny
New Nokia 6969
This phone have an amazing battery life
Plays mp3's
5 different vibrating settings
If you don't like it
buy it and
go fuck yourself
Plays mp3's
5 different vibrating settings
If you don't like it
buy it and
go fuck yourself
New computer viruses (only in SA)
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION VIRUS
A second rate virus that takes the place of a really good programme that was on your PC. In some cases the really good programme still hangs around and does all the work but the virus takes the credit
MINI BUS TAXI VIRUS
Crashes through your PC with very little regard for the rules of the internet highway. Stops data traffic for no reason. Causes other data to explode. Doesn´t have a software licence.
HIJACK VIRUS
This virus is often fatal for both you and your PC. At the very least you lose your PC altogether and need therapy before you can work on another PC.
STRIKERS VIRUS
Stops your PC in the middle of crucial production runs. Also causes your PC speakers to toi-toi at regular intervals, and is always demanding more memory.
MATRIC PAPER VIRUS
This virus is a stolen version of the real thing. Makes your PC worth less than the plastic its made of.
THIRD WORLD VIRUS
Keeps turning your clock back by 20 years. Slows down the fastest PC to the speed of the operator and has to be manually supervised to check for errors.
SQUATTER VIRUS
Takes illegal residence of your PC and then starts stealing components, difficult to remove, claims to have more right to your PC than installed programmes, because it´s forefathers were there first.
EDUCATION POLICY VIRUS
Tries to drag all PCs down to the level of the slowest machine with the least memory.
AK-47 VIRUS
Is obsessed with killing your motherboard, fatherboard and any other board that it finds.
ANC VIRUS
Also similar to the Microsoft Virus, Promises you the earth but fails to deliver or delivers software with more bugs than the original.
No trees were hurt in the production of this message, however a large number of electrons was temporarily inconvenienced.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Look to the Stars
Judging by the negative publicity that scandals generate, you would think that being caught in a leaked porn video , developing an eating disorder or being a raging drunk would hurt your career. So why is it that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid get more and more popular with every bad headline? The truth is, these young celebs are geniuses who know how to parlay their notoriety into an endless supply of reality shows, record contracts and magazine spreads. Here are 12 lessons you can learn from today's most popular celebrities:
12. If your career hits a rut, merry a greasy backup dancer and have a baby. Your greatest hits album will go through the roof.
11. If people call you a skank, start wearing fewer clothes. Eventually, people will forget why they were making fun of you in the first place. Less is more.
10. Booze is a great meal supplement and easily replaces any of the major food groups.
9. Twins are hot, so if possible try to have a photogenic identical sibling.
8. The human skeleton is a beautiful thing and you should try and make as much of it visible underneath you skin as possible. Muscle definition is for fatties.
7. Lack of talent is good for the economy. It creates hundreds of jobs for audio and special effects producers who make you look and sound better.
6. Don't make out with Collin Ferrell if you can avoid it. He stinks like whiskey and cigarettes.
5. If you're going to be in a porn video, make sure the lighting sucks -- it adds a nice home-made feel to the final product.
4. Joining a cult can be a fun and exciting experience regardless of how misguided and delusional its followers may be. Get off your butt and get on the space ship.
3. Ladies, feel free to make out with each other. It did wonders for Britney, Madonna and Christina. You go girls!
2. Make sure your parents are rich and famous too. That way there's not as much pressure on you to be good at anything, and you have a decent safety net to fall back on.
1. Always wear underwear. There are cameras everywhere these days.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Sweets with toys (only for Platneus children)
It is like playing with a ball.
Pull the pin and throw or kick to your platneus friends
Pull the pin and throw or kick to your platneus friends
Just watch them explode with joy and happiness
Hand Job
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar.
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich.
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich.
The punk and the nun
There was a Nun who has to take the same bus journey every day, and every day at a certain stop, a punk got on the bus and started to hassle the nun for sex. And everyday the bus driver would have to throw the punk off the bus. One day, as the driver was throwing the punk off the bus, he said to him "look, if you really want to have sex with this nun, I know for a fact that she goes to St. Clare's church at midnight to pray. "Thanks" replied the punk. That night, the punk hid in the church and waited for the Nun. Sure enough, at midnight, the Nun came wandering in. The punk used some priests robes that he had stolen from the church and, disguising himself as priest said to the Nun "My child, I want you to have sex with me." "Well...OK" replied the nun, "But it's the wrong time of the month so you will have to take me from behind." "No Problem" replied the punk, and proceeded to shag the nun. When he had finished he took of his robes and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the Punk!" Upon which the nun removed her robe and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the bus driver!"
Confucio
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man didn't bat an eyelid and responded: "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man didn't bat an eyelid and responded: "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Doctor's Surgery
At a doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the d hell did you do to your back?” The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back ".The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you? "The 2nd patient replies,
"You know I have been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job.
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge ............!”
"What the d hell did you do to your back?” The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back ".The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you? "The 2nd patient replies,
"You know I have been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job.
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge ............!”
R. I. P
An old man, Mr. Smith, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Smith, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Smith, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Smith was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Smith," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Smith,” I told you yesterday that my Private Part died! “Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Smith, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Smith, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Smith was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Smith," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Smith,” I told you yesterday that my Private Part died! “Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing.
Breakfast chores
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal."How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Paddy Walking Home
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, itsonly twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple ofminutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in herface.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, itsonly twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple ofminutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in herface.
Date Four Girls at Once
Hey Sid remember the old days LOL Gee's the Scrat had some fun and got busted
For most guys, dating more than one girl at a time isn’t just a strain on the wallet—it also can be a stress-filled ordeal that, even if it means bedding four girls at once, is almost too much effort…almost. I’ve taken the valuable information I've learned in the past and have come up with a list of rules that will help keep your love pentagon from crumbling.
Use pet names as often as possible
There’s nothing more incriminating than calling a girl by the wrong name. Use something like Sugar or Honey or Baby instead of a proper name. Not only will it keep your mouth from getting your ass into trouble, but she might think it’s cute to boot.
Keep a journal of what you do together
There’s no way any person could possibly remember the endless string of anniversaries and ice-skating outings you’re going to do with this many lady friends, so write it down and then lock the notebook in your safe.
Guard your cell phone with your life
Your cell phone holds plenty of info that could get you busted, so make sure to keep it with you at all times. If possible, operate like the Mafia and only use pay phones. It’s cooler.
No sleepovers, ever
Girls can tell when other girls have been in a guy’s apartment—it’s one of their innate abilities. So the best way to cover your ass is to make sure you crash at her place. This might be tougher with girls still living with their parents…but that’s a little weird, anyway, dude.
Learn to cook
Dates and eating go hand in hand, so if you don’t want to take out a loan that’ll end up mostly at Pizzeria Uno, throw on the Food Network and start taking notes. There are plenty of online places to get recipes (like recipes.com, duh) and she’ll be impressed.
Don’t brag
If hitting the sack with four girls isn’t enough reward for you, then you’re just being selfish. Save the bragging to make yourself feel better until after the whole ordeal blows up in your face.
If you get caught, fess up
It was fun while it lasted, but once you’re busted, it’s over. Pick one of the girls who doesn’t hate you or move on and start the whole process over again.
For most guys, dating more than one girl at a time isn’t just a strain on the wallet—it also can be a stress-filled ordeal that, even if it means bedding four girls at once, is almost too much effort…almost. I’ve taken the valuable information I've learned in the past and have come up with a list of rules that will help keep your love pentagon from crumbling.
Use pet names as often as possible
There’s nothing more incriminating than calling a girl by the wrong name. Use something like Sugar or Honey or Baby instead of a proper name. Not only will it keep your mouth from getting your ass into trouble, but she might think it’s cute to boot.
Keep a journal of what you do together
There’s no way any person could possibly remember the endless string of anniversaries and ice-skating outings you’re going to do with this many lady friends, so write it down and then lock the notebook in your safe.
Guard your cell phone with your life
Your cell phone holds plenty of info that could get you busted, so make sure to keep it with you at all times. If possible, operate like the Mafia and only use pay phones. It’s cooler.
No sleepovers, ever
Girls can tell when other girls have been in a guy’s apartment—it’s one of their innate abilities. So the best way to cover your ass is to make sure you crash at her place. This might be tougher with girls still living with their parents…but that’s a little weird, anyway, dude.
Learn to cook
Dates and eating go hand in hand, so if you don’t want to take out a loan that’ll end up mostly at Pizzeria Uno, throw on the Food Network and start taking notes. There are plenty of online places to get recipes (like recipes.com, duh) and she’ll be impressed.
Don’t brag
If hitting the sack with four girls isn’t enough reward for you, then you’re just being selfish. Save the bragging to make yourself feel better until after the whole ordeal blows up in your face.
If you get caught, fess up
It was fun while it lasted, but once you’re busted, it’s over. Pick one of the girls who doesn’t hate you or move on and start the whole process over again.
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Scrat explains engineering
I pity the non-engineers who cannot discern the sinusoidal motion on the part of the subject. We engineers, on the other hand, take delight in burying ourselves in such interesting research.
Describing simple harmonic movement
For Engineers:
For Not Engineers:
Describing simple harmonic movement
For Engineers:
For Not Engineers:
AN ITALIAN AFFAIR
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He would pay hera large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child supportpayments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today.
" "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three withmeatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He would pay hera large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child supportpayments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today.
" "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three withmeatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him :"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES, USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him :"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES, USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!"
Broke Back Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
Austin Powers Pick Up Lines
1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2) (Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20) My name is Austin...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
2) (Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20) My name is Austin...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Your Superhero Identity For Today Is:
Name: Green Boy
Secret Identity: scrat
Special Power: Flaming Energy
Transportation: Nuclear Minivan
Weapon: Electron Rifle
Costume: Carbonite Skin
Sidekick: Caruthers
Nemesis: Jasmine the Elder
Tragic Flaw: Addicted to Snapple
Favorite Food: Strawberries
Who are you? Find out click here
Living Will
Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the family room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch.
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch.
Little Johnny is back
A class was asked to write a message to
Jake White on the upcoming word cup rugby
Jake White on the upcoming word cup rugby
Monday, July 16, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Platneus do it again
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on
their faces. Along with them comes a police inspector to find out
how
they died.
"First body: Frenchman, 60. Died of heart failure while making
love
to
his mistress. Hence, the enormous smile, Inspector,"
says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25. Won a thousand pounds on the
lottery.Spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the smile."
The Inspector asks, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Platneus, a street sweeper from Soweto, 30. Struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
Thought he was having his picture taken."
Terrascape
Damn Platneus
To lose weight the doctor told Platneus to run eight
kilometres a day for 300
days. After 300 days Platneus called the doctor to
report he had lost the
weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"
asked the doctor. "I'm
2400 Kms from home."
_____
Platneus and his wife landed in Bombay. They managed
to get into a double-decker bus. Platneus somehow
managed to get a bottom seat but unfortunately his
wife got pushed to the top. After a while when the
rush is over, Platneus went upstairs to see his wife.
He met her in a bad condition clutching the seats in
front with both hands,scared to death. He says
"What the heck's goin'on? Why are you so scared?
I was enjoying my ride down there?"
Scared she replies "Yeah, but you've got a driver"
Revenge
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep
of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what>he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,
she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of >the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get
shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.>> He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl
in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because
she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver
the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick
who ran over my FROG!"
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep
of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what>he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,
she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of >the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get
shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.>> He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl
in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because
she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver
the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick
who ran over my FROG!"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
