Run Platneus Run

Sipho

A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel forhis audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"About 40 students raise their hands."That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands."Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"3 students raise their hands."That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"Way in the back, Sipho raises his hand.The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I'vebeen giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."Sipho nods and a grins, and makes his way up to the podium. When hereaches the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Sipho, tell us what it's like to have s*x with a ghost?"Sipho replied, "Eish! From the back I am thinking you say, " Goats!"

cab ride

So this cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that theVERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasywith a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on theroad, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Instructions on how to clean your toilet.

Put both lids of the toilet up and add ¼ cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self – agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three to four times. This provides a “powerwash” and rinse.
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Die Beer en die Konyn

Last night in JHB

yea right platneus

Don't fart in bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.*

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he w as upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Hey F@*$!

Vodacom dstv offer International

US President George W Bush Toi Toi with Assane Konte of the Kankouran West African Company following a speech on Malaria Awareness in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington.

Strike jul Bliksems

a bikers funarel

Bikers participate in a memorial ride on the N1 Highway in Johannesburg as they make their way to the funeral of Brian Wegerle, owner of four Harley Davidson dealerships.

And guess who saves the day !!!!!!

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older
alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or
I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried alien. "He damn near killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a dick he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess
around with him.

An embarrising moment

This one actually happened at Harvard University . In a biology class,theprofessor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I Understand whatyou are saying, there is a lot of glucose in malesemen, As in sugar?"
>
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statisticaldata. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thingasked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girlturned bright red and as she realized exactly what she hadinadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without aword and walked out of the class.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was aclassic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,

"It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on thetip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!

Lets Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Reasons not to flirt!!!

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"

Rugby Add

Squirrel's game of the month:

To : Fishman / Born to fish

To refresh your memory:

weekly outfits

Now you don't have to worry what to wear every day!

Cartoon: A grade meat

Bok emblem could disappear

21/06/2007 22:15 - (SA)

Cape Town - A proposal to discard the Springbok and accept the Protea as the only emblem for all South African sports teams will be discussed at the ANC's policy conference in Midrand next week.

This could lead to the disappearance of the Springbok emblem that has been used since 1906.

Cedrick Frolick, ANC chief whip in the parliamentary sports portfolio committee, confirmed on Thursday that the disappearance of the Springbok would be raised at the conference.

"It's not only about the Springbok emblem but about uniform colours for all national teams in the interest of nation building," Frolick said.

"Some teams do not look like South African teams when they're on the field. The soccer team have a different strip every time they play.

"It has been decided twice that the Protea should be the only national sports emblem. The last time was in 1998. Talks about the application will now begin in earnest."

The DA rejected the idea, saying that the ANC, unlike former President Nelson Mandela, wrongly tried linking the Springbok with apartheid and ignored the Springbok story since 1994.

"The rejection of the Springbok emblem is like throwing away a treasure from our national heritage," DA spokesperson on sport Donald Lee said.

He said the ANC was deliberately forgetting the black, brown and Indian Springbok supporters.

What about:

"When Bryan Habana's mother thinks about the Springbok emblem it will certainly not be because of apartheid but because of her son's unbelievable performances for the Springboks.

"If Nelson Mandela could proudly wear a Springbok jersey with number six on the back there could be nothing distasteful about the emblem.

Power to decide on national sports colours was in the hands of the minister of sport.

The delegated power for execution rested with the SA Sports Confederation and Olympic Committee (Sascoc) that, in accordance with the new Sports Law, had to establish a national colours board for the awarding of all national colours.

But it was more important that the SA Rugby Union should change its constitution first to have more say in managing transformation at provincial level.

"The Springbok still represents the old (racially divided) past. We should start looking at replacing the emblem," Bullshit

Jake & Chuck

Sid is going Fishing

And remember to take pics.So you can show us what a real fish look like.......
We will be waiting for your post on fishing?

Have a great weekend...(LOL)

Swapping Parts

What will you do?

From the BIG BLACK BOOK

The greatest enemy of man is alcohol,
But the bible tells us to love thy enemy......
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, John. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

need help

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Argument

illusion

Lets go Hunting

Where would U B??

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:


IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new Baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the Word ears, he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny
looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, Thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed
Glasses".

Fishing

Four married guys went fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outfishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room inthe house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a newdeck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'llremodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said aword.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do tobe able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut offthe clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex," and she said,"Wear a sweater."

The lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men Along the road eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the Lawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, Under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as Large as the limousine was.Once underway, ! one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Nightmare

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled
over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his
lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a
framed
picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said
nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"
demanded
the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied,
"That's me before
the surgery ."

NIGHTMARE #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so
he was
trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night
he came from
work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought
to himself,
"what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to
get under
the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in
pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy
as she
climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the
bathroom to
brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed
"What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed,
"You'll wake your mother"

Birds And The Bees

Birds and Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you Hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that Grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Make your own

Co-Worker thursday

MOER Your Co-Worker Day is Here!!
Have anyone in mind?

Today is the official MOER Your Irritating Co-workers day:

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, I am so very glad to officially announce tomorrow as MOER YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only moer one person per hour - no more.
* You can moer the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns moering the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.


If questioned by a supervisor, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to moer the living day lights out of and get to moering ... & have a great day!!

Scrat's Tuesday

Well well well....the squirrel had a good start to his day and was really progressive at work.....
That was before his 4 pm meeting at head office..... HEAD OFFICE - the local pub across the street. 8pm is Tuesday's local golf comp. By that time it was super squirrel who entered the comp..
It was a doubles game and super squirrel and partner walked away as the winners. Got up this morning and had no prize money left, wallet was empty too.

Back to the bar.Squirrel and his good friend got involved into heavy alcohol testing. The conversation was brilliant like almost any other pub in SA.. Conversation involves sport, politics and rugby. By the time we got to our last drink it was 4 am. Squirrel had to be in the office at 8.
Squirrel and friend had a bet to see which one will mail the other first when they get into the office.
Squirrel was on time at the office and there was no mail.That makes squirrel the winner.

The Bet...... mmmmm mmmmm mmmm. Not one of us could remember what the bet was.Squirrel was as drunk as a platneus on payday again...
Squirrel worked his ass off today and skipped head office....but he still feels like shit.....

But Squirrel will not blame the liquor..It was the burger he had for lunch yesterday, thats the reason why he feel so KAK today....here is the proof

Fishy

Swearing at Work

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing proble m .
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Very last photo that platneus Sipho took

Eish

Substitute teachers during the strike

I'd go back to school for this...

WHAT MEN WANT FOR FATHERS DAY!!!

Tarzan & Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted toHim, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how heHad sex?"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I willShow you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down On the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "youMust put it in here."Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you Do that for?"Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

Need a New Wife

Laws Newton Forgot

LAW OF QUEUE:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

BATH THEOREM:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

LAW OF COFFEE:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

RASTA Recipes

Knee Trembler



Magic Carpet



Secret Agent



Joker



Flaming Backflip



Windmill




Cannabis Cigar



Tulip

Thought for the day

SA's urban legend...scary stuff!

This story happened about a month ago in Soweto, and even when it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark
night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went
by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without
thinking about it,got in the car and closes the door, just to realize
there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car starts slowly; the guy looks at the road and sees a curve
coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't
come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve a hand appears
through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are before a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car
and runs to the nearest township.

Wet and in shock, he goes to a tavern and asks for two shots of
cheapest brandy and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience

he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and
wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same tavern and one said
to
the other, "Look, Sipho, that's the idiot that got in the car when we were
pushing it."

Chopping Wood

The phone rings...... " Hello,..... is this the SAP? " (South African Police) "ee-Yes. What you want ?" "I´m calling to report my neighbor, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (marauana) inside his firewood." "ee-Yes Baas ......Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in Combating crime and violence, in our society sir." The next day, the SAP descend on Hendrik´s house. They search the Braai lapa ( BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave. The Phone rings at Hendrik´s house. "Hey, Hendrik man ! Did the SAP come?" "Ja ! " "Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?" "...Ja...." "Happy Birthday Boet ! "

Best Job

From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The US Open

And look it is Squirrel

Witout a drink!!!!!

Morning After

Seeing the squirel is not married.....But knows most or all....basically wrote the book...

When you accidently stayd out too late with the boys at the pub and get home really late.

You know you are going to sleep on the couch..Here is a little trick for your wife to miss you in the morning while you are at home. So she can let off some steam before you confront her..

Walk on water

Only 3 Men ever walked on Water

The 1st one was Christ...
The 2 nd one was Peter (the apostle)...
After him was this guy ...

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Disprin

As of the 1st of July 2007, Disprin will be removed from the market by the South African Goverment Research Council,
Reason: Because it is white and it works

All SA gun Owners

Dear gun owner.

U are invited to a can shooting contest in Soweto .

We’ll be shooting at coke cans, beer cans and afri cans

TOI TOI

New Guy In Jail

2 Okes sitting in jail and a new cell mate comes in.The new guy ask the 1st one what he was in for?
1st guy "Got 5 years for AR"
New Guy "What's AR?"
1st Guy “Armed robbery"
New Guy " That’s a bad sentence and you he ask to the 2nd?"
2nd Guy "MR"
New Guy "What a fuck is MR and what did you get?"
2nd Guy " murder and rape, got 4 years"
New Guy " that is not a bad sentence"
1st Guy to New Guy " And you?"
New Guy “BPWP"
2nd Guy "What does that stand for?"
New Guy “Burning Platneus"s With Petrol"
1st guy “And what did you get?
New Guy “About 4 a liter"