Guess her real hair colour

It was not me " Manto die bantoe "

B.E.E

The Scrat must decide now if he must get married now or immegrate somewhere else. Twenty years ago mixed marriages was illegal... Today it is legal...

With the fucking b.e.e and quota system in SA.... they will make the single people marry mixed partners... fuck that.... the Scrat will take no platneus wife....

The Scrat will rather curl up into a little ball and die..

Animals

LAW of the FOXTERIER

If you can't eat, lick or fuck it

Piss all over it and walk away

Super Scrat to Road kill

Scrat went to the round table golfday yesterday......This is on his journey to become
"the Complete Golfer" Scrat had fun yesterday... A couple of drinks before tee off.
Another couple of beers on the course...Then after the game Morgan called me (captain
Morgan to you guys)

The impossible happened yet again.............. We drank the bar out of captain Morgan...
We heard there was an roadblock down the road and decided to drink till the roadblock go away
One problem NO MoRE CAPTAIN....

So we invented the PLOTMYT Plenty of vodka And Stoney ginger beer as mix.......
Guess what happened next.........................................

We finnished their Vodka

we decided to go to another pub down the road......

Fuck that was not an good idea


What day is today?

How the FUCK did I get to work this morning..?

Platneus : Manto

It has just been announced that the name of the "Johannesburg General Hospital " will be changed. From 1 September 2007 it will officially be known as the Manto Tshabalala-Msimang Pub & Grill they also have liver on the menu

Best Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,between the legs of me wife!"That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Thank You

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ..... Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

You Can't Beat An Indian in business

An Indian couple both age 37, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished having the intercourse, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse , SO I GONNA CHARGE U A LITTLE LESS THAN USUAL ", and charged them R70.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment; have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges R225. The Hilton charges R879.

We do it here for R70, and I get R65 back from Discovery!"

WHEN TO CRAP IN A WETSUIT

Humor

> Once there was three friends. An alcoholic, a chain smoker and a gay.
> They made a promise to God on their lives, that they will stop all their
> addictions.
The alcoholic will stop drinking, the chain smoker will stop smoking and
the
gay guy will turn straight. One day the three friends walked down the road
all longing for their addictions. The alcoholic saw a pub along the road
and
heard the music pumping, he decided to just go and see how it is. He
eventually took a drink and collapsed (he died). The two remaining friends
walked further down the road, very sad about their friends death, noticed
a
burning cigarette laying in the road. The smoker couldn't resist, but
before
he could bend to pick it up the gay told him.....

"AS JY NOU BUK OM DAAI ENTJIE OP TE TEL DAN IS ONS ALTWEE VREK!!!

1.-Meraai kry 4 gaste vir ete,'n rasta,'n hond,'n moffie en 'n anoreksie
lyer.
Wat bedien sy vir elkeen?
Zol,Epol,Poephol en Fokhol!

2.-Waar is die dae toe drank,drank was,doos,doos was, 'n baas nog baas
en 'n koning nog koning,
nou is doos koning,drank is baas en die baas is 'n doos.


3.-Because of slow sales,"loslyf" decided to combine with 'Rooi rose"
Now available under the new titel "Mooi Dose"

4.-Oom & tannie besluit hulle gaan liefde maak!
Tannie: bietjie op,nee links,nee regs,nee agtertoe.
Oom : nee my fok,wil jy spyker of parkeer?

5.-Meraai sit wydsbeen op die sypaadjie in die son
Polisieman vra haar -"wat maak jy"
Meraai - "ek het nou net my huur betaal,nou lat ek net die kwitansie
droog word"

6.-Mans is soos rooi wyn. Hoe ouer,hoe beter.
Vroue is soos melk, eers word hulle suur en dan dik !!!!

7.-Juffrou buk voor Jannie en hy sien iets, sy vra, "wat het jy gesien"?
Jannie;"Moet die hel wees juffrou,want die Duiwel is hier in my broek
los"

8.-Koos se dat sy meisie 'n seeskulp op haar binnebeen laat tatoeeer
het.
Dit is glo so goed gedoen,as jy jou oor teen die skulp hou, kan jy
die
see ruik...!!!

Dr. Platneus Manto Babalas Msimang

A BAD DAY

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a
bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say , she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of
the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've
used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the
bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of
my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony
I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into mysuit. Now, since I don't have any hair
on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of
my
butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter


running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,

think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad
day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

DATSUN

A guy breaks down in his Datsan bakkie out in Boksburg.
A Subaru pulls up
next to him :'Ek sê¬ come I'll sommer tow you with my Subaru, but if I
drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'

Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Subaru,tunes ' Wanna dice ek s꿧 Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haulit down the road

.Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw aSubaru and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê¬ like 300km/h

'Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?

'Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie rightbehind them, flashing and hooting, he wants to fo**en overtake china!!!!!'

Weekend with the F word

Scrat is back online.. Thanks to Telkom Staff......
Some fucking Platneus decided that cables is easy moola and stole our fucking cables on Thursday...
Friday morning no adsl no telephones nothing........It took Telkom the whole of Fri to sort out.... Saturday I walked into my office ......guess what....... No fucking lines again....Thanks Platneus jou ma se Porche Sorry P#$S.... So Telkom fixed it on Sunday.....

Sunday afternoon Scrat decided to go watch football at a local watering hole......
Sid have you seen my fucking sunglasses...... Think i drank them missing again.....
They were only 2 days old...... BACK TO MY OLD SELF AGAIN.

Please I need a Sunglasses sponser

The Four Stages of Life

A South African farmer, close to the Roodeplaat area was puzzled at the disappearance of Sheep on his farm.

Barber Shop Classic

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before Ican get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "Howlong before I can get a haircut? "

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "Howlong before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." Theguy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he hasto wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

"To your wife".

The night the virgin got married

Njoroge gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to getsome
tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

"So what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed"

5 minutes later Njoroge is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His father can't believewhat is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes Njoroge is on the phone again.

" Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father'spatience is now running out so he says,
"Shit son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest
thing on your body where she pees. Good night !!!!

" Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.

"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"

Pet Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.Lizards lay eggs.

Platneus Tiger

Tiger Woods

With career earnings with more than $84 million
Scrat believes when this platneus is focused ,
he is unbeatable...

Day After Womans day

This guy got home on womans day with this little bird as a present for his girlfriend.Together wit the flowers and everything else....Little did she know his mates would come aroundlater for an BBQ and a lot of dringking.....This clip was taken the day after womans day...While our friend suffers from an hell of anhangover and he got nothing the previuos night...Do you think this will destroy their relationship

Ever wondered what happened to the line guy?

Bus 10 - Platneus 0

Platneus gets to work badly bruised and full of blood.
The lady he works for is very concerned, "What on earth happened?"
"Eish ma'am, the baas hit me"
"Those days are over Platneus. We're going to report this to the Police.
Which baas hit you?"

"The Putco 'baas'

Platneus - WARNING

You all have seen the post on the great white shark in False Bay.
( be careful in the water )

Out of the water and on dry land. You must watch out for this dangerous
Creatures ( the Great Platneus) They are all over False Bay and when you get into contact with one of these . Follow the Fear rule (Fuck Everything And Run).

Be warned . The are really fucking dangerous.

Great White in False Bay - Cape Town

Do you like your job

The squirrel simply just love his job
He was forced to play in an
mixed double event on Sunday..
mmmm

Wrong e-mail address

A man checked into a hotel in Durban. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile ........somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just arrived home from
her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed intothe room, found his mother on the
floor

, and saw the computer screen which Read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 3, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your

loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.I

see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is so very hot down here!!

Floods in Ireland

7 dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?

"The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope."Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Platneus's with ego problem

How to give platneus an ego problem

Scrat met up with one of his very good female friends last night. Whom he have not seen for an long time.We got together at the watering hole called "Froggies"Scrat got himeself as pissed as an rat again an fishman joined us for an couple of drinks too....
Worse part Scrat woke up early this morning with an mother fucker of an hangover.... On his way to the new office the whole fucking main road was closed down by the platneus's with the ego problem. It took me almost 2 fucking hours to drive 2 kilometer...
Fucking Pricks causing an major traffic jam just after 6 in the morning...Nothing worse than being stuck in traffic with an "moer" of an "babbelaas"

Jack

If the ocean were Jack Daniels and
I was a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom
and drink my way up,
But the oceans are not Jack
Daniels
and I'm not a duck,
So pass the bottle and shut the f#k up
Here’s to you.
Here’s to me.Drunkards forever, we shall be.
And if you wish to disagree,
F#K you, here’s to me!!!!!!!!!!N

Bugatti Veyron

A hip young man goes out and buys the fastest car available: a
brand
new
Bugatti Veyron. It is also the most expensive car it the world,
and
it
costs
him $300,000,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red
light.
An
old
man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old
man
looks

over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got
there,
sonny?"

The young man replies, "Bugatti Veyron. It cost Three million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 407 kilometres an hour!" states the
young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look
inside?"
"No
problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then
sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
car,
all

right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light
changes
so
the
guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He
floors
it,
and

within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 kph. Suddenly, he
notices a
dot
in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows
down to
see
what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by
him,
going
much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?!" the young
man
asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Bugatti up
to
300
kph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed
that the moped could pass his Bugatti he gives it some more juice
and
passes
the moped at 350 kph. Whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old
man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy
he
floors
the gas pedal and takes the Bugatti all the way up to 407 kph. Not
ten
seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The
Bugatti
is
flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows
into
the
back of his Bugatti, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps
out,
and
unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the
mangled
old
man and says, "Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my braces from
your side-view mirror."

Cook At Home but eat more out

This one you can try at home
Red wine and an home cooked meal
No secret ingredients

You can do it

Love Scrat

Squirrels's new Job and new office

To all I can't really post during the day any more
My new office takes up all my time
Below is an photo at 16H30 today in my office
But this will not stop super Squirrel from posting at night
.
.

.

.
.
.
.
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