Children Writing About The Sea........You can't buy this stuff. BRILLIANT ! Pure Gold
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7).
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
How do these people survive
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew It! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew It! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Germans
A German guy approaches a prostitute."I vish to buy sex viz you.""OK," says the girl, "I charge รข, 200 an hour.""..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.""No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller."I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees."Now you vill get on your hans und knees."She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs."You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totallyamazing! What do you call that position?""Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze... Audi.""Audi?" Asks the astonished sex worker."Audi," replies the customer. "Four-sprung Duck Technique."
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, But some abuse the privilege
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and spots a Jamaican man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning “I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The Jamaican man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!"
The Jamaican guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning “I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The Jamaican man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!"
The Jamaican guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
A Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners asked herstudents.Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, howwould you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at thedinner table."Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once and show us yourgood manners?"Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shakehands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet afterdinner."The teacher fainted........
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