A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to
thedoor and opens the door to see a man standing
there. He asks the lady
'Doyou have a vagina'.She slams the door in
disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and
it is the same man and
he asks the same question 'Do you have a
vagina'.She slams the door
again.Later that night when her husband gets home
she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells
the wife in a lovingand
concerned voice'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to
be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and
both run for the
door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the
same guy I want you to
answeryes to the question because I want to see
where he is
going with
it'.She nods yes to her husband and opens the
door.Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there and asks the same
question.Do you have vagina? Yes
she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you tell
your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours !
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tinkle
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a maskedrobber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because itwas too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and ahealthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bulletcame out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said theMom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bulletcame out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said theMom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner..... we don't talk! In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.''No problem,' he says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum is horrified, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**king dishes
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner..... we don't talk! In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.''No problem,' he says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum is horrified, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**king dishes
Platneus and X-treme sports
Two men walk into a pet shop and go over to the bird section.
Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help them.
"Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan.
Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, baas!"
The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into
Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at
the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out
of the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Umfan watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed by
a 'SPLAT'.
As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."
A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is
carrying a gun in his other hand.
"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.
Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the parrot's
head off and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins
Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.
Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat
parrotshooting nider."
After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop
and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a
chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the same
result.
Once more Umfan shakes his head.
"Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon
parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!
Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help them.
"Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan.
Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, baas!"
The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into
Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at
the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out
of the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Umfan watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed by
a 'SPLAT'.
As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."
A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is
carrying a gun in his other hand.
"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.
Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the parrot's
head off and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins
Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.
Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat
parrotshooting nider."
After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop
and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a
chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the same
result.
Once more Umfan shakes his head.
"Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon
parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
TASER TEST
Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparkedmy interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. Theeffects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long termadverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short,I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAAbatteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arcof electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife whatthat burn spot is on the face ofher microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trustinglittle soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of youalready know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised.Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorientyour assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst wouldpurportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out ofwater. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to oneside as if to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decidedto give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK!
I'm pretty sure JessieVenturaran in through the side door, picked meup, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and thenslammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tearsin my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere tobe found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heardbefore, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,do it again!"
Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thingas a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your handby a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing atthat point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up andsurveyed the landscape.
My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantelof the fireplace. How did they up get there?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs.
By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew intomy body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clearsignal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how TomHanks'character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan.
I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return.Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.
If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,take my advice !
Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. Theeffects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long termadverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short,I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAAbatteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arcof electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife whatthat burn spot is on the face ofher microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trustinglittle soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of youalready know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised.Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorientyour assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst wouldpurportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out ofwater. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to oneside as if to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decidedto give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK!
I'm pretty sure JessieVenturaran in through the side door, picked meup, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and thenslammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tearsin my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere tobe found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heardbefore, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,do it again!"
Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thingas a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your handby a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing atthat point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up andsurveyed the landscape.
My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantelof the fireplace. How did they up get there?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs.
By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew intomy body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clearsignal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how TomHanks'character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan.
I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return.Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.
If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,take my advice !
Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....
Monday, February 25, 2008
X- RATED QUESTIONS
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A whore sleeps with everybody at the party. A bitch sleeps with everybody atthe party, except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of ma rrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?The one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:Free PORK.
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:'Are you in?'
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:'Honey, I'm home!
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?A whore sleeps with everybody at the party. A bitch sleeps with everybody atthe party, except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of ma rrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?The one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:Free PORK.
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:'Are you in?'
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:'Honey, I'm home!
108 strange but true facts
1
Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2
40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
3
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
4
On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
5
Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
6
Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
7
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
8
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
9
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
10
Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
11
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.
12
The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
13
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
14
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
15
Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
16
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
17
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
18
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
19
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
20
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
21
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
22
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
23
The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
24
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
25
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
26
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
27
Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
28
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29
In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
30
A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
31
We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
32
Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
33
Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
34
Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
35
Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
36
When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka
37
There are more chickens than people in the world.
38
The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
39
There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
40
The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
41
The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three Times each morning.
42
The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
43
The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
44
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
45
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
46
Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
47
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
48
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation.
Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
49
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
50
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
51
When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
52
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
53
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
54
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
55
Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
56
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
57
"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
58
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed People do.
59
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter in the English language.
60
If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would never end because of the rate of reproduction
61
China has more English speakers than the United States
62
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
63
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
64
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
65
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies.
66
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
67
According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
68
The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-
Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.
69
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
70
Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space.
However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.
71
Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
72
More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
73
Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
74
Coca-Cola was originally green.
75
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
76
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
77
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
78
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
79
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
80
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
81
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
82
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
83
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
84
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
85
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
86
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
87
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
88
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
89
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
90
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
91
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans.
- Honey
92
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
93
A snail can sleep for three years.
94
All polar bears are left handed.
95
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
96
Butterflies taste with their feet.
97
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
98
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
99
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
100
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
101
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
102
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
103
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
104
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
105
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
106
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
107
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
108
And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbo (or think about trying...)
Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2
40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
3
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
4
On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
5
Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
6
Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
7
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
8
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
9
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
10
Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
11
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.
12
The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
13
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
14
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
15
Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
16
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
17
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
18
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
19
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
20
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
21
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
22
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
23
The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
24
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
25
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
26
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
27
Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
28
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29
In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
30
A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
31
We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
32
Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
33
Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
34
Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
35
Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
36
When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka
37
There are more chickens than people in the world.
38
The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
39
There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
40
The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
41
The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three Times each morning.
42
The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
43
The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
44
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
45
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
46
Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
47
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
48
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation.
Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
49
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
50
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
51
When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
52
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
53
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
54
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
55
Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang Yourself."
56
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
57
"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
58
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed People do.
59
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every Letter in the English language.
60
If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would never end because of the rate of reproduction
61
China has more English speakers than the United States
62
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
63
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
64
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
65
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies.
66
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
67
According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
68
The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-
Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.
69
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
70
Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space.
However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.
71
Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
72
More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
73
Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
74
Coca-Cola was originally green.
75
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
76
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
77
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
78
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
79
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
80
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
81
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
82
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
83
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
84
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
85
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
86
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
87
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
88
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
89
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
90
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
91
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans.
- Honey
92
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
93
A snail can sleep for three years.
94
All polar bears are left handed.
95
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
96
Butterflies taste with their feet.
97
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
98
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
99
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
100
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
101
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
102
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
103
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
104
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
105
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
106
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
107
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
108
And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbo (or think about trying...)
Sunday, February 24, 2008
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Letter from loving mother
Dear Johnny
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away.
I won't be able to send the address of this place, as the last people who stayed here took the house number with him for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S.: I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Keep in touch. Keep Smiling. Enjoy life
Bye for now, rest text in next.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away.
I won't be able to send the address of this place, as the last people who stayed here took the house number with him for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S.: I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Keep in touch. Keep Smiling. Enjoy life
Bye for now, rest text in next.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
HOW IS YOR JOB?
When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, and then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly...............
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, and then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly...............
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
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Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Must be single
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2
litres of
low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You
must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
litres of
low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You
must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
Start the day with a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Robert Mugabe ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better?
2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Robert Mugabe ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better?
GAVE BIRTH AT 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.
" Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again,
"May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked,
"Well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me. "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet," She said "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.
" Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again,
"May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked,
"Well, when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me. "WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Welcome to the Banana Republic of South Africa!!!
South African health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang tells those with HIV to eat garlic and beetroot.
The former deputy president, Jacob Zuma told the Johannesburg High Court that he took a shower - after having sex with the HIV-positive complainant without a condom - as he believed this minimized his risk of contracting the disease.
"Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer" – Minister of Minerals and Energy Buyelwa Sonjica unveiling a 10-point plan to encourage South Africans to change their electricity usage habits.
"It is one of the things that would make it (the tournament) a success because we hear of many rapes, because people don't have access to them (women)" – ANC MP George Lekgetho on the benefits of legalizing prostitution for the 2010 world cup.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. To be cured from aids, eat garlic and beetroot. If you don't want aids, take a shower, and all we have to do to stop the electricity crisis is to go to bed early so we can be cleverer and rapes only occur because people don't have access to prostitutes.
Sleep tight South Africa. Your government has everything under control.
The former deputy president, Jacob Zuma told the Johannesburg High Court that he took a shower - after having sex with the HIV-positive complainant without a condom - as he believed this minimized his risk of contracting the disease.
"Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer" – Minister of Minerals and Energy Buyelwa Sonjica unveiling a 10-point plan to encourage South Africans to change their electricity usage habits.
"It is one of the things that would make it (the tournament) a success because we hear of many rapes, because people don't have access to them (women)" – ANC MP George Lekgetho on the benefits of legalizing prostitution for the 2010 world cup.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. To be cured from aids, eat garlic and beetroot. If you don't want aids, take a shower, and all we have to do to stop the electricity crisis is to go to bed early so we can be cleverer and rapes only occur because people don't have access to prostitutes.
Sleep tight South Africa. Your government has everything under control.
Putting your affairs in order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed andsaid, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put youraffairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into thewaiting room where her daughter had been waiting."Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and wecelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren'twell. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. Therewere some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached bysome of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the twowere celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to herimpending end."I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave thewoman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told yourfriends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those cows sleeping with yourfather after I'm gone."
that's putting Your Affairs In Order
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into thewaiting room where her daughter had been waiting."Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and wecelebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren'twell. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. Therewere some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached bysome of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the twowere celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to herimpending end."I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave thewoman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told yourfriends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those cows sleeping with yourfather after I'm gone."
that's putting Your Affairs In Order
Friday, February 8, 2008
Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and
let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other
cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked
cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was
indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I almost fainted.
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and
let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other
cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked
cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was
indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I almost fainted.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Maths
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
Teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the
Son
Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
Teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the
Son
Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
DURBANITES DO IT ONCE AGAIN
Two coloured businessmen in Durban - were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet cuzzy any minute now some charou is going to walk by, put his face to the window and choon what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious charou walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad charou accent asked 'Ekse what are you selling' here
One of the bruin ous replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the charou said, 'You are doing well ...
Only two left!'
One said to the other, 'I bet cuzzy any minute now some charou is going to walk by, put his face to the window and choon what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious charou walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad charou accent asked 'Ekse what are you selling' here
One of the bruin ous replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the charou said, 'You are doing well ...
Only two left!'
Monday, February 4, 2008
Female vs Male
1 **. THINGY
Female ..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. *
2. VULNERABLE
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup. *
3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys. *
4. COMMITMENT
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on another women while out with this one. *
5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. *
6. FLATULENCE
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion..
Ma le...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. *
7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve .
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. *
8.. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
*
He said . . **I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*************************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!
****************** *******
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*************************
He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
*************************
She said Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good-looking?
He said . . ... . They already have boyfriends.
*************************
She said ...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every night?
He said . . .. A widow.
*************************
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*************************
Female ..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. *
2. VULNERABLE
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup. *
3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys. *
4. COMMITMENT
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on another women while out with this one. *
5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. *
6. FLATULENCE
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion..
Ma le...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. *
7 MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve .
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. *
8.. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
*
He said . . **I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*************************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!
****************** *******
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*************************
He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
*************************
She said Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good-looking?
He said . . ... . They already have boyfriends.
*************************
She said ...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every night?
He said . . .. A widow.
*************************
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*************************
Bad start to a morning......
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf... poor bastard.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said... "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf... poor bastard.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said... "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...
Friday, February 1, 2008
Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.
" Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!"
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time.
" Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!"
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