Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thirtsty Thursday Poem
If the ocean were Jack Danielsand I was a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom
and drink my way up,
But the oceans are not Jack Daniels
and I'm not a duck,
So pass the bottle
and shut the f#k up
Here's to you.
Here's to me.
Drunkards forever,
we shall be.
And if you wish to disagree,
F#K you, here's to me!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say 'F#k off ', the Rottweiler ate him.
The Average South African.........................
A recent study conducted by Wits
University found that the
average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South
African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100
litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12
kms to the litre.
Kind of makes you proud to be South African???
University found that the
average South African walks about 1200 kms a year. Another study by the South
African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100
litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12
kms to the litre.
Kind of makes you proud to be South African???
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Gifted Blonde
A Blonde walks in to Absa bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
R10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checked out.
Absa agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R5,000,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10, 000 loans. An employee of thebank then proceeds to drive the Rolls in to the bank's underground garageand parks it
there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10, 000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, 'Miss, we are very happyto have had your business, and this transaction has worked out verynicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow R10, 000?'
The blond replies ... 'Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car fortwo weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?'
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
R10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checked out.
Absa agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R5,000,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10, 000 loans. An employee of thebank then proceeds to drive the Rolls in to the bank's underground garageand parks it
there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10, 000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, 'Miss, we are very happyto have had your business, and this transaction has worked out verynicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow R10, 000?'
The blond replies ... 'Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car fortwo weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Monday, August 11, 2008
I will be in hospital this weekend
I went to the doctor as I wasn't feeling well for some time now. The end result of all my tests were shocking, my doctor said I am in desperate
need of extra fluids in my body, which would benefit my immune system tremendously. I will be in hospital this weekend ... to receive the
required fluids
Wish me luck.
need of extra fluids in my body, which would benefit my immune system tremendously. I will be in hospital this weekend ... to receive the
required fluids
Wish me luck.
HANS' FINKERS
Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut ven he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and ven he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, 'Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vat I can do.'
Hans said, 'I hafe not got da finkers.'
'Vat you mean, you hafe not got da finkers?' he asked. 'Lordy! It's 2007!Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vy did not you brink da finkers?'
Hans responded:'How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?'
He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and ven he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, 'Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vat I can do.'
Hans said, 'I hafe not got da finkers.'
'Vat you mean, you hafe not got da finkers?' he asked. 'Lordy! It's 2007!Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vy did not you brink da finkers?'
Hans responded:'How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?'
Quote of the day
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her "kak", you will receive a bucket full of shit!
Love and appreciate all the women in your life!
Love and appreciate all the women in your life!
Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at theappropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need toenter a password.
Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try forthe shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made itplainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try forthe shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made itplainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Friday, August 8, 2008
POSTAL FLOP
Zimbabwe postal service has introduced a new stamp with a picture of Robert Mugabe in honor of his achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.
This has enraged the president who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has come out with the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are just spitting on the wrong side.
This has enraged the president who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has come out with the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are just spitting on the wrong side.
2 tough questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks An occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed
Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks An occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice
Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed
Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
HOUSE BOY: BAKARI
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water). Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.The Boss tells his wife, today you will see that Bakari will acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.He shouted: 'Bakari!'Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'No answer.The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?
'Still; No answer.Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and said to him:Are you insane or what? When I call you, you say yes boss but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?Bakari said that 'The thing is, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name. Then to prove that Bakari was telling a lie the Boss said to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, and I will go into the kitchen, and you should ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.Bakari continued: 'Who goes into the maids bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.No answer. Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'No answer. Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!
Good day
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water). Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.The Boss tells his wife, today you will see that Bakari will acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.He shouted: 'Bakari!'Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'No answer.The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?
'Still; No answer.Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and said to him:Are you insane or what? When I call you, you say yes boss but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?Bakari said that 'The thing is, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name. Then to prove that Bakari was telling a lie the Boss said to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, and I will go into the kitchen, and you should ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.Bakari continued: 'Who goes into the maids bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.No answer. Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'No answer. Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!
Good day
Quote...
"Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world;
but they still want the confession."
but they still want the confession."
Superman
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted togo to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and hehad to look after him.A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet.I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split-second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something? "No" said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!!"
Never assume that a man understands
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Little Johnny's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behindthe shed.
'Johnny!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? Ithad better not be cocaine!
''Don't worry, Pops' says Johnny. 'It's only Kool-Aid.
''Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'
'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Johnny.
'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.
''I know, Pops,' says Johnny.
'But at least it makes my snot tastelekker.'
'Johnny!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? Ithad better not be cocaine!
''Don't worry, Pops' says Johnny. 'It's only Kool-Aid.
''Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'
'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Johnny.
'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.
''I know, Pops,' says Johnny.
'But at least it makes my snot tastelekker.'
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to coughwhile eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it becameApparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next tableturned to look at her." Kan you like swallow?", asked one.The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head." Kan you likebreeve?" asked the other.The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'With that,the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up theback of her skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue upand down thewoman's butt crack.This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that theobstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly tookanother sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of thatHind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.. "
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to
the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for
hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had
enough of this'.
He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,
'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'
Paddy says 'I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin'
See how THEY like it !'
the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for
hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had
enough of this'.
He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,
'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'
Paddy says 'I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin'
See how THEY like it !'
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