A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted toget married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was,and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to.
The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended upfrustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mamma I want to get married but allthe girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son,you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Broke back mountain woman
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch , but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2: 30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"
She was determined to keep the ranch , but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2: 30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"
Thursday, March 20, 2008
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Best Friend Test
A dog is a man's best friend, if you don't believe it, try this experiment.....
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
GIGGLE
A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartenderFinally said that the pub is closing. So the drunk stood up
To leave and fell flat on his face.He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
He'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
Will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat
On his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his Home.When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flatOn his face. He crawled through the door and into his
Bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time toStand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but
He quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the
Second his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
Him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!""What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent Look."The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."
To leave and fell flat on his face.He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
He'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
Will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat
On his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his Home.When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flatOn his face. He crawled through the door and into his
Bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time toStand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but
He quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the
Second his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
Him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!""What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent Look."The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."
Monday, March 17, 2008
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies:
"Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says: "OK, now what?"
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies:
"Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says: "OK, now what?"
Friday, March 14, 2008
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
There are ducks swimming in a row,
One in front of two
One in the middle of two,
And one behind two,
How many ducks are in the row?
One in front of two
One in the middle of two,
And one behind two,
How many ducks are in the row?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
With apologies to our Irish friends!
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'
*********************************
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''
You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
*********************************
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked
'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'
'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake,you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'
*********************************
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'
'I don't like her.'
*********************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.''
*************************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing ** *stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'
*********************************
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''
You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot ! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
*********************************
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked
'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'
'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For, *****sake,you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'
*********************************
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'
'I don't like her.'
*********************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.''
*************************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing ** *stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Shower Protocol
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.> > Wash your face.> > Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.> > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.> > Wash your face.> > Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.> > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR
THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,
"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH
AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH
AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE
SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO
BACK
TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR
THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,
"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH
AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED
INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH
AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE
SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO
BACK
TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS
OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Brain Teaser
A man wanted to get into his work building, but he had forgotten his code.
However, he did remember five clues.
These are what those clues were:
The fifth number plus the third number equals fourteen.
The fourth number is one more than the second number.
The first number is one less than twice the second number.
The second number plus the third number equals ten.
The sum of all five numbers is 30.
What were the five numbers and in what order?
However, he did remember five clues.
These are what those clues were:
The fifth number plus the third number equals fourteen.
The fourth number is one more than the second number.
The first number is one less than twice the second number.
The second number plus the third number equals ten.
The sum of all five numbers is 30.
What were the five numbers and in what order?
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: Q20 AND MASKING TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE MASKING TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: Q20 AND MASKING TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE MASKING TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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