You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive
him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Riddles
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The strength of the grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The strength of the grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,'
where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned!
where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned!
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing
about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers
like to use). The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could
do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the
tree in their own countries?
After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you' re away from home...
about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers
like to use). The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could
do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the
tree in their own countries?
After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you' re away from home...
Top Voicemails
(a)
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
(b).
Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(c).
Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
(d).
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
(e).
(Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...cums.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
(b).
Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(c).
Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
(d).
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
(e).
(Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...cums.
Bank Crisis!
If the global crisis continues at the present rate of greed, by the end ofthis year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank andthe Sperm Bank!When these two banks merge it would be run by 'bloody wankers'
Survivor
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...But there you are, another lie,I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive!Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! Send this to all of the cool chicks you know, and all the dude's who can handle this new remix...
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...But there you are, another lie,I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]I will survive! I will survive!Cuz as long as I have batteries,My sex life's gonna thrive!I will always have good sex,With a handful of latex!I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! Send this to all of the cool chicks you know, and all the dude's who can handle this new remix...
The Essex girl.
'How many children have you got?' asks the council worker? '10' replies the Essex girl. '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?' 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.' 'Doesn't that get confusing?' 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...' 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker. 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies, 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: ' Sharon .' Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?' Sharon : 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f***ing hundreds of them!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Shirley: 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Shirley: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies, 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.' The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?' Girl: 'OK' Medic: 'What's your name?' Girl: ' Sharon .' Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?' Sharon : 'Yes.' Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?' Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!' 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f***ing hundreds of them!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground. Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.' Shirley: 'Ok.' Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?' Shirley: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?' The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical examination
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
I KNOW WHAT YOU WHERE THINKING???
SHAME ON YOU THINKING I WOULD SEND YOU A DIRTY EMAIL...!
part of his physical examination
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
I KNOW WHAT YOU WHERE THINKING???
SHAME ON YOU THINKING I WOULD SEND YOU A DIRTY EMAIL...!
Ralph and Edna...
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... I’ve Done my part!!!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... I’ve Done my part!!!
EXCUSE THE FRENCH......
DIE SPOOK DROL:
Jy voel hom uitkom, maar wanneer jy kyk, is daar niks in die toilet nie.
DIE SKOON DROL:
Jy voel hom uitkom, jy sien hom in die toilet, maar daar is niks op die papier nie.DIE NAT
DROL:
Die tipe waar jy jou gat 50 keer afvee, maar dit voel nog steeds vuil , dan moet jy toiletpapier in jou onderbroek sit sodat jy nie briekmerke los nie.
DIE SECOND-WAVE DROL:
Dit gebeur wanneer jy klaar is met die taak, jou broek tot by jou kniee optrek en dan agterkom dat daar nog een oppad is.
DIE BARS-'N-AAR-IN-JOU-KOP DROL:
Die tipe waar jy so hard druk om die bliksem uit te kry dat jy letterlik 'n hartaanval kry.
DIE BOOMSTOMP DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so groot is, dat jy te bang is om hom weg te spoel sonder om hom eers in kleiner stukkies op te breek.
DIE FREE-FLOW-EXHAUST DROL:
Die tipe wat so hard raas wanneer hy uitkom, dat die kakhuisdeur eintlik rattle.
DIE MORNING-AFTER DROL:
Die tipe drol wat die oggend na 'n heavy party uitkom. Sy bekendste kenmerk is die briekmerke wat hy onder in die toilet los.
DIE MIELIE DROL:
Die tipe drol waarin die mielies wat jy geeet het soos rosyntjies in 'n muffin sit.
DIE EK-WENS-EK-KON DROL:
Die tipe waar jy gedink het jy moet, maar al wat uitkom is 'n paar poepe.
DIE RUGBREEK DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so seermaak wanneer hy uitkom, dat jy dink hy het jou sideways verlaat.
DIE MICHAEL-SCHUMACHER DROL:
Die tipe wat so vinnig uitkom, dat hy jou hele hol nat spat.
DIE HANG DROL:
Hierdie drol weier om te val, al is jy klaar. Jy hoop maar net dat 'n paar skutte hom sal laat afbreek.
DIE GEDOG DROL:
Jy't gedog jy gaan poep, toe kak jy in jou broek.
Jy voel hom uitkom, maar wanneer jy kyk, is daar niks in die toilet nie.
DIE SKOON DROL:
Jy voel hom uitkom, jy sien hom in die toilet, maar daar is niks op die papier nie.DIE NAT
DROL:
Die tipe waar jy jou gat 50 keer afvee, maar dit voel nog steeds vuil , dan moet jy toiletpapier in jou onderbroek sit sodat jy nie briekmerke los nie.
DIE SECOND-WAVE DROL:
Dit gebeur wanneer jy klaar is met die taak, jou broek tot by jou kniee optrek en dan agterkom dat daar nog een oppad is.
DIE BARS-'N-AAR-IN-JOU-KOP DROL:
Die tipe waar jy so hard druk om die bliksem uit te kry dat jy letterlik 'n hartaanval kry.
DIE BOOMSTOMP DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so groot is, dat jy te bang is om hom weg te spoel sonder om hom eers in kleiner stukkies op te breek.
DIE FREE-FLOW-EXHAUST DROL:
Die tipe wat so hard raas wanneer hy uitkom, dat die kakhuisdeur eintlik rattle.
DIE MORNING-AFTER DROL:
Die tipe drol wat die oggend na 'n heavy party uitkom. Sy bekendste kenmerk is die briekmerke wat hy onder in die toilet los.
DIE MIELIE DROL:
Die tipe drol waarin die mielies wat jy geeet het soos rosyntjies in 'n muffin sit.
DIE EK-WENS-EK-KON DROL:
Die tipe waar jy gedink het jy moet, maar al wat uitkom is 'n paar poepe.
DIE RUGBREEK DROL:
Die tipe drol wat so seermaak wanneer hy uitkom, dat jy dink hy het jou sideways verlaat.
DIE MICHAEL-SCHUMACHER DROL:
Die tipe wat so vinnig uitkom, dat hy jou hele hol nat spat.
DIE HANG DROL:
Hierdie drol weier om te val, al is jy klaar. Jy hoop maar net dat 'n paar skutte hom sal laat afbreek.
DIE GEDOG DROL:
Jy't gedog jy gaan poep, toe kak jy in jou broek.
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf.. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Grumpy in the Vatican
Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ..'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
Fencepost turtle
While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of the ANC. "Well, ya know," drawled the farmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle." The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"
The Bus Ride...go the blondes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
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