Friday, January 18, 2008
At the zoo
It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him, " he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache!"
She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him, " he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache!"
Thursday, January 17, 2008
THAT'Z MY GIRL
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said:
"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to Like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Grandma fainted.
"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to Like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Grandma fainted.
Bottle of wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Mondaymorning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished butamazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.about womendrivers.The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting.I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This mustbe a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for therest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be asign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowedto drive.
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My caris completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. SurelyGod wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back tothe man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever, evil humans . Don't mess with them!!!!!!!.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.about womendrivers.The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting.I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This mustbe a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for therest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be asign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowedto drive.
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My caris completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. SurelyGod wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back tothe man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever, evil humans . Don't mess with them!!!!!!!.
21st century nursery rhymes
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead!
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead!
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Good job?
Gynaecologist's Assistant
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card
advertising
for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more
details about
this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,
"Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready
for
the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear,
lie them
down and wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub
in
soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to
go to
Oxford."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No - that's where the end of the queue is"
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card
advertising
for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more
details about
this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,
"Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready
for
the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear,
lie them
down and wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub
in
soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to
go to
Oxford."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No - that's where the end of the queue is"
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Friday, December 28, 2007
Batman revealed
Scrat got himself pissed again and got him self lost.And discovered batmans hideout...or his car was parked outside it
Monday, December 24, 2007
Platneus at Milatary training camp = trouble
In what is termed South Africa's worst military "accident", a platneus soldier got behind the controls of a 35mm anti-aircraft gun Swiss/German Oerlikon MK5 during a training exercise, pulled the trigger and a minute or two later, nine Azanians lay dead, with a further fifteen seriously wounded.
The computer-controlled, double-barrelled MK5 anti-aircraft gun, which fires 35 mm explosive shells at a rate of 15 shells per second can swivel 360 degrees horizontally and between 15 & 80 degrees vertically. According to Pikkie Greeff, SANDF Union spokesman (yes, Azanian soldiers belong to a trade union) the MK5 gun is a dangerous toy - he says it is not uncommon for inexperienced gunners to freeze in shock when they first fire the gun, astounded at the incredibly high rate of fire.
So one can just picture the scene at this training session gone wrong: Platneus Bubbles Mpondo and her spearchucking comrades gazing with bovine incomprehension at this deadly piece of White Man's Magic, nodding mechanically at the words of the white instructor as he drones on. Finally, Platneus Bubbles is ordered to give it a shot, so she laboriously removes the Piece of pink Chappies chewing gum she'd been masticating on for the past two days, and heaves her portly black ass onto the operator seat.
Squeezing the hair trigger of this formidable weapon is quite unlike squeezing the trigger of the Windolene squirt bottle Platneus Bubbles is so much more accustomed to, so the ferocity of what happens next, causes our bewildered sheboon to lapse into mortified petrification: like an unattended hose pipe at full blast, the gun is now firing wildly, spinning round and round while the barrels traverse up and down, spraying its deadly explosive shells into the HIV-positive carcasses of the assembled "soldiers" who didn't even have time to remove their index fingers from their flaring nostrils, let alone dive to cover. Out of the 27 assembled, only three got away.
Most incredibly, a wide-eyed platneus Bubbles is refusing to let go of the trigger, almost like a monkey with its hand in a monkey trap. (A monkey trap is a container filled with nuts and seeds, and an opening just big enough for a monkey to push its hand through. Once it's reached through and grabbed a fist-full, the monkey cannot remove its hand unless it lets go of the contents of its fist, and is thus trapped as it is too stupid and panic-stricken to release its fist). The carnage finally came to an end only when the gun ran out of ammo...
Azanian Army top brass muttered the usual banalities, promising high Level investigations into this embarrassing incident. They've not yet blamed it On right wing sabotage, but are clearly displeased at the consequences of this evil White racist-designed weapon. We would wager that the findings will centre around the fact that the gun was "bewitched" by evil spirits, and endless cleansing ceremonies will be held, involving the torture and slaughter of a few innocent cows so as to appease the ancestors...
The computer-controlled, double-barrelled MK5 anti-aircraft gun, which fires 35 mm explosive shells at a rate of 15 shells per second can swivel 360 degrees horizontally and between 15 & 80 degrees vertically. According to Pikkie Greeff, SANDF Union spokesman (yes, Azanian soldiers belong to a trade union) the MK5 gun is a dangerous toy - he says it is not uncommon for inexperienced gunners to freeze in shock when they first fire the gun, astounded at the incredibly high rate of fire.
So one can just picture the scene at this training session gone wrong: Platneus Bubbles Mpondo and her spearchucking comrades gazing with bovine incomprehension at this deadly piece of White Man's Magic, nodding mechanically at the words of the white instructor as he drones on. Finally, Platneus Bubbles is ordered to give it a shot, so she laboriously removes the Piece of pink Chappies chewing gum she'd been masticating on for the past two days, and heaves her portly black ass onto the operator seat.
Squeezing the hair trigger of this formidable weapon is quite unlike squeezing the trigger of the Windolene squirt bottle Platneus Bubbles is so much more accustomed to, so the ferocity of what happens next, causes our bewildered sheboon to lapse into mortified petrification: like an unattended hose pipe at full blast, the gun is now firing wildly, spinning round and round while the barrels traverse up and down, spraying its deadly explosive shells into the HIV-positive carcasses of the assembled "soldiers" who didn't even have time to remove their index fingers from their flaring nostrils, let alone dive to cover. Out of the 27 assembled, only three got away.
Most incredibly, a wide-eyed platneus Bubbles is refusing to let go of the trigger, almost like a monkey with its hand in a monkey trap. (A monkey trap is a container filled with nuts and seeds, and an opening just big enough for a monkey to push its hand through. Once it's reached through and grabbed a fist-full, the monkey cannot remove its hand unless it lets go of the contents of its fist, and is thus trapped as it is too stupid and panic-stricken to release its fist). The carnage finally came to an end only when the gun ran out of ammo...
Azanian Army top brass muttered the usual banalities, promising high Level investigations into this embarrassing incident. They've not yet blamed it On right wing sabotage, but are clearly displeased at the consequences of this evil White racist-designed weapon. We would wager that the findings will centre around the fact that the gun was "bewitched" by evil spirits, and endless cleansing ceremonies will be held, involving the torture and slaughter of a few innocent cows so as to appease the ancestors...
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