24 Beers

Husband and wife are shopping in Pick n Pay when the man picks up a pack of Amstels and sticks them into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only R110 for 24 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a R220 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF AMSTELS AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

See if you can pass this Character Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
Giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
You will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:

You are in Kwa-Zulu Natal, St. Lucia to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
Flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
Caught
In the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
The water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
Debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is... It's Jacob Zuma! You notice that the
Raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Jacob Zuma or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most
Powerful men!


THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
Classic simplicity of black and white?

Funny

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that youcouldcrawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blo* job?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husbanddidn't say a word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39,

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An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgageinsurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and Iwanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to runandget me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of ourguest.

Kathy Newman, 46

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I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroomandwrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess,he lookedadorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came outsowell that I had copies made and included one with each of ourChristmascards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughinghysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that inaddition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearingnothing but a camera!

Name Withheld

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. Iwasunhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing forseveral minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemenwho works at the store. He asked if He could help me. Withoutthinking,I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31

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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold avariety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boybehindthe counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm justlooking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, theboygrinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sisterhas never let me forget.Faye

Emerick, 34

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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided toreleasesome pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold ofherafter receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. Itold her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would bepunished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voicejust as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tellGrandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" Thesilencewas deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellersstoppedwhat they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walkedout of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard whenthedoor closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson

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Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Mythree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I wason him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunchin between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. Whileenjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked myseven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized thatDannyhad not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed togo,and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had anaccident, and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I said,"Danny,are you SURE you didn't have an accident?""No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,becausethe smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny,didyou have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled."SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death ontheir tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. Anoldcouple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'deverhad!

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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a veryembarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely thinkbefore she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't getany.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day afteritwas supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman andAsked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, theywere laughing so hard!

RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how Australians practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Motivational posters

SALESMAN!!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to beconfronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and sheproceededto close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pusheditwide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said."Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

and with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallwaycarpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*tfromyour carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.""Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, becauseEskomcut the electricity this morning!!!"

A helping hand

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, howe ver, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

ART THAT WILL MESS WITH YOUR HEAD

The grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with there names.

First up was Dan. A very adventures child.

My name is Dan,When I grow up to be a man,

I want to go to India and Japan,

If I can, If I can, If I can.

Very good she said to Dan. She then told Sally that it now was her turn

My name is Sally,

When I grow up to be a lady,

I want to have a baby

If I can, if I can, if I can.

That is good Sally, she said. But maybe one day you will change your mind.

Next up was Sam he was the naughty one in the class.

My name is Sam,

When I grow up to be a man,

Never mind India and Japan,

I gonna help Sally with her plan,

I know I can.

Wrong Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

BF's and BJ's

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give bl@wjobs!'

'Bl@w jobs!' the woman replied.

It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bl@w jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

Go On Have a laugh

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:

'Turn around.