Harassment

A man walks up to a female colleague in his office each day.Making a point of standing very close to her, he draws a deep breaththrough his nose, pauses, smiles, and tells her how wonderful her hair smells.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.The woman marches into her supervisor's office, tells him about thehair thing", and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled, and struggles to understand what the problem is.

He asks her, "What's sexually threatening about a man telling you that
your hair smells nice?"The woman screams, "He's a F***** DWARF!"

It Sucks to Get Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examinationThe doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

Can't blame the doctor for fainting

A guy goes to visit his doctor. Here is the conversation that ensued.

"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the sizeof an AAA battery..

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and thenfell laughing to the floor.. Ten minutes later he was able to struggleto his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know whatcame over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise itwon't happen again. Now ... what seems to be the problem?"

The doctor fainted!

FARMER

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'
'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating!'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!

Problem

This is actually an on-the-ceiling poster in the smoking room at an IT firm in Mumbai, India.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Prohibition Sign

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...


I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?

Petrol Humour

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in anintellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizermagnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious coupleproduced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, BullSchitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a highschool dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schittdivorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then knownas Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughoutchildhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dualceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

P.S. Bull and Pisa Schitt have given birth to a little bruiser son, Tuff.

Movies

"Hey your phone is ringing"



Idea....we can take all our ships apart and build a huge horse.
to invade Troy.....We can fly back first class....only if Troy had bigger towers...

Tough Request

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,


"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.


I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"