One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Hoe legendes begin
In Engeland - Once upon a time...
In Amerika - Long, long ago...
In Suid Afrika - Onthou jy daai aand toe ons so gesuip was..
Koos
Koos en Mike sit in die kroeg. Dit is alombekend dat Koos die beste bedeeld is op die dorp. Mike: Koos, ek hoor jy het die grootste meneer op die dorp. Koos: Mike, jy moet nie alles glo wat jou vrou jou vertel nie.
Mans Gee 'n man 'n vis, en hy het iets om te eet vir die dag. Leer 'n man om vis te vang, en hy sit heeldag in 'n boot en suip.
Wat noem jy 'n vrou wat 24 uur per dag weet waar haar man is? 'n Weduwee.
In Engeland - Once upon a time...
In Amerika - Long, long ago...
In Suid Afrika - Onthou jy daai aand toe ons so gesuip was..
Koos
Koos en Mike sit in die kroeg. Dit is alombekend dat Koos die beste bedeeld is op die dorp. Mike: Koos, ek hoor jy het die grootste meneer op die dorp. Koos: Mike, jy moet nie alles glo wat jou vrou jou vertel nie.
Mans Gee 'n man 'n vis, en hy het iets om te eet vir die dag. Leer 'n man om vis te vang, en hy sit heeldag in 'n boot en suip.
Wat noem jy 'n vrou wat 24 uur per dag weet waar haar man is? 'n Weduwee.
Sharp Indian Aunty
A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word 'Diwali'."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'."
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word 'Diwali'."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'."
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"Quote 4 the day"....
Having someone dump you and say
"We can still be friends"
Is like having your mom say
"Your dog died but you can still keep it"
"We can still be friends"
Is like having your mom say
"Your dog died but you can still keep it"
Friday, October 24, 2008
Number 5.
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
*******************************************************
Number 4.
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a
gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
*******************************************************
Number 3.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
*******************************************************
Number 2.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
*******************************************************
Number 1.
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
*******************************************************
Number 4.
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a
gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
*******************************************************
Number 3.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
*******************************************************
Number 2.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
*******************************************************
Number 1.
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"
Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"
Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"
Paul says, "All over your back!"
Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"
Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"
Paul says, "All over your back!"
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, ifthey have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureenbring up the subject of sex."Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the wayyou do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partnersfor the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martiango off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead withhis palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows untilit's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entiremeasurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and gotheir separate ways.As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.How about you?""It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead andpulling my ears."
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss.
I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly.
"But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!
" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss.
I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly.
"But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!
" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
Thursday, October 23, 2008
How To:
| This will certainly pass the time!! .HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END: |
Dr Ruth
Dear Dr. Ruth,
I am a crack dealer inKempton Park , Gauteng
My father and mother who is also my sister, were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part-time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her . Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BULLS supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
I am a crack dealer in
My father and mother who is also my sister, were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part-time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her . Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BULLS supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
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