When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennisI think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is allDear, let's go to the cashier.'I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast

Seconds before death

Aartappel

Juffrou vra vir die klas: "kinders, watter groente laat 'n mens se oë traan?

" Jannie agter in die klas antwoord: "'n aartappel juffrou"

Juffrou: "Nee Jannie dit is n ui"

Jannie baie verontwaardig: "Juffrou was heel duidelik nog nooit met 'n aartappel in die eiers gegooi nie!!!"

Mishap on a Trans-Atlantic flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, soWe should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and … HOLY CRAP !

'Silence followed
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While
I was talking
To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in
My lap. You should see the front of my pants!

'One Irish passenger yelled,
'Fook sake!, you should see the back of mine!'

A short story

The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll
blow your house down".
The little pig said "f_ck off or I'll
sneeze on you".

The one that didn't get away

Hope this gives you a good chuckle

WOMAN'S DIARY
9 May 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 9 May
Sharks lost the rugby.
Gutted.
Got a pomp though.

Thought for the Day

Eight year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question:

"How did I get here?" His mother told him, "God sent you.""And my cousin Matt ?""He sent him also" said the mother ."Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny."Yes, dear," the mother replied. "Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny."Yes, dear," the mother replied."What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted."He sent them also" the mother said. "Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked."Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently." So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."

Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Wife's Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking anddancing...

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play onthe Internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh, knowing she'sgoing to have a monster hangover...

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo,which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece...

You circle the car looking for dents and find none...

But wait a minute......

The why's of men

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

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No Speaka De English

A bus stopped and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the one man."Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi '."

I bet R100 you're gonna read this again!

Daffy Duck

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for condoms.
The receptionist says, “shall I put them on your bill?”

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thupid; I’d thufficate!!!!