Aartappel

Juffrou vra vir die klas: "kinders, watter groente laat 'n mens se oë traan?"

Jannie agter in die klas antwoord: "'n aartappel juffrou"

Juffrou: "Nee Jannie dit is n ui"

Jannie baie verontwaardig: "Juffrou was heel duidelik nog nooit met 'n aartappel in die eiers gegooi nie!!!"

Eight year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old question:


"How did I get here?"
His mother told him, "God sent you."
"And my cousin Matt ?"
"He sent him also" said the mother .
"Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
" So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200
years? No wonder everyone's so grumpy around here."

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell Happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering When you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over And over again that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are Laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your Ass kicked.
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.


Question : What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.



* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam "

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?






A crazy bitch who will find you!

Digte Mis

Koos ry in digte mis in Despatch en kan nie goed sien nie. Hy besluit om
die motor voor hom se agterliggies te volg.

Skielik stop die motor en Koos ry DOEF! in hom vas.

Koos vlieg uit sy kar en skree op die ander bestuurder: "Hoekom stop jy
so fokken skielik??"

"Omdat," brul die man, "ek in my fokken garage is!"

Good Ones

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman..'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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And my favorite:


An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody.'

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Caught!!

A little boy catches his parents shagging. "What are you doing?" he asks.

Mom says, "we're trying to make you a little brother or sister."
The boy says, "dad, turn mom over and do her doggie style: I want a puppy."

Sharp Indian Aunty

A sophisticated looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word 'Diwali'."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'."

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas.

TRUTH HURTS

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber (condom) at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up and walk.

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennisI think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is allDear, let's go to the cashier.'I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast

Seconds before death

Aartappel

Juffrou vra vir die klas: "kinders, watter groente laat 'n mens se oë traan?

" Jannie agter in die klas antwoord: "'n aartappel juffrou"

Juffrou: "Nee Jannie dit is n ui"

Jannie baie verontwaardig: "Juffrou was heel duidelik nog nooit met 'n aartappel in die eiers gegooi nie!!!"