TASER TEST

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparkedmy interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. Theeffects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long termadverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short,I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAAbatteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arcof electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife whatthat burn spot is on the face ofher microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trustinglittle soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of youalready know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised.Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorientyour assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst wouldpurportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out ofwater. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to oneside as if to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decidedto give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK!

I'm pretty sure JessieVenturaran in through the side door, picked meup, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and thenslammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tearsin my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere tobe found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heardbefore, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,do it again!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thingas a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your handby a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing atthat point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up andsurveyed the landscape.

My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantelof the fireplace. How did they up get there?

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs.

By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew intomy body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clearsignal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how TomHanks'character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan.

I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return.Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,take my advice !

Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....